I Never Meant To
by im so innocent
Summary: COMPLETED! Ron becomes worried about Hermione and her health and the way he broaches the subject is through a letter. McGonagall later becomes involved after Ron finds the pressure too much, will Hermione overcome theses issues?
1. Ron's letter

**I never meant to…**

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!

A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist and so I've used characters I like. 

_15th November 2002_

_Dear Hermione_

_This is the best way I can think of in confiding in you. I have no intention of telling you this to your face, as I know you'd probably scream and shout at me for getting involved in your life and business, but you need to be told._

_I'm afraid of what your doing to yourself, don't think I haven't noticed you skipping as many meals as possible, and even when you do eat you disappear to the toilet straight afterwards. I may not be one of the most observant people, but I'm not downright stupid. I've known for a while now, that you've been starving yourself, but yet I don't think I understand why. Maybe you don't like food anymore, I mean that came from your own mouth, but then again it could have something to do with you wanting to be thin. I remember overhearing you talk to Ginny in the summer holidays about how much weight you'd put on an how you needed to loose it as quickly as possible. I myself couldn't see it, but most people are critical of their bodies so I thought nothing of it. I wish I had thought more deeply about that comment, wished I could have known how far you would go to become thin._

_I don't understand why this has started though; no one's ever said you were fat have they? You have always been thin, and yet you've decided you're fat. I can't understand you anymore; you've become a different person ever since this started. Your more secretive, private, and a hell of a lot more moody than I've ever known you to be I mean I thought you we're going to take Malfoy's head off when he started on us; I think he won't be messing with you for a while.  _

_I know this hasn't been going on very long, I'd say it started around the beginning of term, probably the only time you could stop eating. When you stayed at mine this summer, you wouldn't have had a chance, you know what my moms like! I want to help you Mione, I want to help you, and you need help before this develops into a big problem that you won't be able to handle or control on your own. I don't want to see you hurt yourself anymore so please try and get over this, if not for you then for me._

_I'll always be there for you, please remember that Mione._

_All my love _

_Ron _

A/n: Please read and review, please no flamers, I understand it may be bad, but as I said before really close to home. Hopefully Hermione's reply will be better as well I know more about that. 


	2. Hermione's reply

**I never meant to…**

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!

A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist and so I've used characters I like. 

15th November 2002

Dear Ron 

When you said you had to write a letter because I'd tell you to stay out of my life and business, you were surprisingly right. That's exactly what I'm going to tell you! You have no right to interfere with what I am doing, you should keep your nose out of this, and it has nothing to do with you, Harry or anybody! You understand me Ronald Weasley!

I don't know what gave you the impression that I wasn't eating because I want to loose weight, I tell you something that impression is wrong, so you can get rid of that theory from your head right now. I'm not eating because I'm not too fond of food, never really have been and what with the mocks coming up for the O.W.L.S, I do sometimes just forget to eat.

I have a question for you. What were you doing listening in to one of mine and Ginny's conversation? I know that sometimes it's hard for you to keep out of other people's business, but you at least TRY not to listen. Before you ask about that comment, because I know you will, it was a one off, and I was comparing myself to one of the witches in Witch Weekly. So you need not worry.

I'm really sorry if you think this letter is really snappy, or out of order, but you don't have to worry about me, I am a perfectly healthy 15 year old girl so don't worry!

Oh and do me a favour Ron, don't interfere I'm fine, and I don't need yours, or anybody's help with a problem that doesn't exist. Don't get me wrong though, I am grateful of the offer for help, you a great friend you know that don't you

All my Love

Hermione

A/n: Please read and review, please no flamers, I understand it may be bad, but as I said before really close to home. Hopefully this will get better, just bare with me.


	3. Letters

**I never meant to…**

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!

A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist and so I've used characters I like. 

_23rd November 2002_

_Dear Hermione_

_I know you said you didn't want me to worry, but I do! Look Hermione, I've known you since our first year, you are one of my best friends, and I'm bound to worry because I can see what you're doing to yourself. You may not have noticed, but I have and others are bound to sooner or later._

_I know you don't want me to interfere, but I have to. I've noticed your eating hasn't improved since my last letter to you. Instead of the odd day that your starving yourself, its gone up to two now. You also seem to go to the toilet a lot after dinner. I don't know what your doing in there, an I don't think I want to but, I guess your probably making yourself sick. I may be wrong, and I hope to God I am, but I have a funny feeling I'm not too far from the truth!_

_If I am right you have to tell me Hermione. You know you can trust me, and if you want to keep it between us, then we will. There is no need to tell Harry if you don't want to, but please just talk to me. I hope you hear my pleas; you'll probably ignore them because you're so stubborn, but please let me help. That's all I want to do, I don't want you to hurt yourself and everyone around you who cares._

_You don't even have to admit you have a problem, even though I think you do, just talk about your feelings, and what's happening to you. Just you and me, no Harry, no Ginny, no anybody. Just YOU, and ME. How about it Hermione, do you think you can trust me enough to tell me how you feel and let me into your way of thinking. I hope you feel you can trust me; otherwise I'm not sure what our friendship has been built on._

_Just remember my offer Hermione, and please accept it!  _

_All my love _

_Ron _

24th November 2002

Dear Ron 

Fine, I'll talk to you about things, but let me tell you one thing Ronald Weasley; I do NOT have a problem. You understand me, no problem, not me I don't suffer from anything!

I take it from your last letter; you've been watching me eat. I do not appreciate that; I dislike my every move being watched. As I've said before, I've been busy with studying, so I have an excuse for not eating, and as for my trips to the toilets after meals, it's definitely NOT what you think. I am not making myself sick, that's such a stupid idea, and I don't know where you've come up with that theory. Let me get one thing straight for you, I am not making myself sick, and I am not, as you like to put it, 'starving myself'' Now we have al that straight, you can stop going on about all this rubbish on eating disorders.

Ok I admit to you that I would like to loose some weight, but there is no way I'd go to those lengths. I mean come on Ron, I'm the smartest witch in our year, and I have a lot to live up to. I'm a muggle born, who is beating many pure bloods by a mile in all our classes. I have a lot to live up to. I have many things to prove to people and I can't let down those who believe in me. I don't know weather you can understand this.

However you think that you have to live up to the expectations set by your brothers, I know you feel as though your in their shadow. I feel that maybe because of this you might be able to understand me. I have to live up to those expectations set to by my parents, the professors and most of all my friends.

Do you think I'd ruin my chance to show everyone what Hermione Granger is made of just because I'd like to be thin. I'm not like that Ron. I'd thought you knew me better than that.

Oh and by the way Ron, don't you ever try to bribe me to tell you things by using that whole trust thing being the base of our friendship. It may have worked this time, but I can promise you it won't next time.

All my love

Hermione.

A/n: Please read and review, please no flamers, I understand it may be bad, but as I said before really close to home. Hopefully Hermione's reply will be better as well I know more about that. 


	4. Ron's turn

**I never meant to…**

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!

A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist and so I've used characters I like. 

I'd also like to thank all the people who have reviewed and said such encouraging thing. This story is going to go on for quite a while as it's really hard to admit you have a problem, and a very tough process to go through to get back to normal again. 

_30th  November 2002_

_Dear Hermione_

I've been thinking over your last letter for a while now, and I have something to telll you. You're a smart, level-headed witch, but unfortunately for you, and me, I don't believe you. That has to be one of the hardest things I've ever said, or in this case wrote.

I don't believe that your doing this by 'accident'. There's a purpose behind you starving yourself, and your little trips to the toilets. Hermione you are not a girl to do things lightly, or 'by accident'. It is quite easy to believe that you would put work over eating, but not for this long. You have a ulterior motive to this, and I'd bet all my family's money that its because you want to become thinner than you already are!

I know you won't admit that I'm right here, and that your wrong, but I want you to know that I've figured it out. I know what your doing. You can lie to me all you want, but I know the truth Hermione. somewhere deep deep down inside of you, you know I'm right, you just can't bare to admit it.

Do you know why that is? Its because you've become attached to a disease, that you cant bare to let go off. You've become attached to your visits to the toilet, you've become attached to going without food for days. Your addicted to it Hermione, and you need help to get past that addiction.

Why can't you see it Hermione, its controlling your life, and most of all YOU!!!

I know you told me to stop watching what you eat, but I can't. I suppose its become a habit, a bit like what your doing, right Hermione? I saw you today at all three of our meals, not once did I see you put one piece of food in your mouth let alone touch your knife and fork. From my calculations, that's four days in a row. My, my Hermione, you certainly have this under control. I mean your upping your days without eating. It started with one day, then two, then three and now its gone up to four.

When is it going to stop Hermione? When are you going to realise what you doing to yourself? Sooner or later I'm not going to be the only one noticing, and trying to help.

That's all I'm doing Hermione TRYING to help, but you keep pushing me away.

Come on Hermione you have a problem, maybe you can't see it, but I can. Open your eyes wide enough and you will soon see what I mean. Please Hermione admit you have a problem, once you do people can start to help you.

Please Hermione, I beg you, please get some help.

All my love

Ron

A/n: Please read and review, please no flamers, I understand it may be bad, but as I said before really close to home. Hopefully Hermione's reply will be coming soon, but  I have lots of revision work to do for my GCSE mocks.


	5. Our little secret

**I never meant to…**

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!

A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist and so I've used characters I like. 

I'd also like to thank all the people who have reviewed and said such encouraging thing. This story is going to go on for quite a while as it's really hard to admit you have a problem, and a very tough process to go through to get back to normal again. 

1st December 2002

Dear Ron

You've been hassling me for ages about my eating, as you like to call them 'problems', so I've decided to let you into a little secret of mine. I mean whom can I trust if not one of my best friends.

Now this little of secret of mine, I have to confess, that you have already worked it out. I am trying to lose weight, and hence why I am not eating and make little visits to the toilet!

I don't supposed your shocked at, this. You've been telling me all about it giving me lectures on for such a long time now. Now I've told you my secret there is one condition!

You can't tell anyone about my confession. Nobody, not Harry, not Ginny, no teachers, nobody! You understand me Ron Weasley! If I found out you've breathed one word of this to anyone, I will hunt you down and kill you!

You can't tell anyone. It's mine and your little secret!

I am so sorry I've been lying to you Ron, but I knew that if I told you, you would try and stop me. You cant anymore though, because if you do I wont talk to you.

I don't mean to get nasty but, now that you know, please don't interfere in things that are none of your concern I know you mean well and everything, but please, well please don't get too involved. I don't want to hurt you or anybody else more than I have to.

Do you understand how hard this letter is to write to you? I haven't decided weather I'm going to send this, but if you do receive it, then you'll know that I managed to pluck up the courage and give it to you.

Now, I don't want you to get mad at me for having lied to you for a long time, and I also don't want any pity. Remember I'm doing this for my own good, I don't want to hurt you, or break our friendship, but if you come between me and this I will not talk to you.

Before you jump to any conclusions that I am admitting to a problem that I do NOT have, then you are mistaken. I am just explaining to you my answers to those many questions you have asked before. 

Oh and remember Ron I'm trusting you with this secret, after the many times you've pestered me and promised to keep it safe if I told you, well I have, and hope you'll stick to your promise

I hope I can trust you Ron, 'otherwise I'm not sure what our friendship has been built on.' 

All my love

Hermione

P.S. I trust you Ron!

A/n: Please read and review, please no flamers, I understand it may be bad, but as I said before really close to home. Hopefully Hermione's reply will be better as well I know more about that. 


	6. I am so proud of you Hermione

**I never meant to…**

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!

A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist and so I've used characters I like. 

I'd also like to thank all the people who have reviewed and said such encouraging thing. This story is going to go on for quite a while as it's really hard to admit you have a problem, and a very tough process to go through to get back to normal again. 

Now I have to thank Herbie and Maleandria for there kind reviews, and also everyone else who has been so kind about this story.

_14th December 2002_

_Dear Hermione_

_I am so proud of you! I can't believe that you have actually come out and said the proper reason you are doing this to yourself, instead of lying to me. At least now that you have admitted this, you might be on your way to conquering this illness, and getting back to your normal self!_

_The next thing you need to do, is admit you have a problem. Don't worry, I promise I won't pressure you into admitting you have a problem, even though I think, no lets change that, I know you do. Lets not get into that at the moment though. Anyway, I promise I will at least TRY not to pressure you into admitting something you don't want to. Can I just remind you that I said try, if I happen to do it by accident please don't go mad at mean, I mean well I really do! Just do me a favour, remember that once you admit this problem, you can start to recover from this!_

_Now I've promised to try and not pressure on you into admitting you have a problem, but I didn't promise not to lecture you, at least give me that! All I'm going to say is that 5 days without something to eat is not healthy! You really aren't doing any good to your body, look at yourself, take a good long look in a mirror and see what you've done to yourself!_

_By Friday, you were pale and looking gaunt, you looked so ill, and I wasn't the only one to notice it. Didn't you hear Harry and Ginny repeatedly ask if you were ok? Even McGonagall looked worried when she saw you walk through the classroom door. If your not careful Hermione you're going to collapse, or end up being sent to the hospital wing. Either way, some day soon you're going to end up answering Madame Pomfrey, or worst, McGonagall! I mean to me both of those choices would be just hell!_

_All I'm saying Hermione, if you want to continue starving yourself, an I hope to God you don't, but if you insist on doing it then you need to look after yourself, or I won't be the only one lecturing you on your habits._

_I also have to say thank you Hermione!_

_Before you ask why I'm thanking you, its because you let me in. You've shown me, that you trust me, and that is the best thing I could ever have asked for! You have to remember one thing, now that you've let me in, I won't let you push me out again easily._

_You've got me forever now, because I'm not going anywhere, I promise you that!_

_I promise Hermione, I'm not going anywhere, and I'm not going to let you go through this alone!_

_All my love_

_Ron _

A/n: Please read and review, please no flamers, I understand it may be bad, but as I said before really close to home. A teacher will get involved soon, but there's still quite a few chapters to come before that. __


	7. I took your advice Ron

**I never meant to…**

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!

A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist and so I've used characters I like. 

I'd also like to thank all the people who have reviewed and said such encouraging thing. This story is going to go on for quite a while as it's really hard to admit you have a problem, and a very tough process to go through to get back to normal again. 

Now I have to thank Herbie and Maleandria for their kind reviews, and also everyone else who has been so kind about this story.

I'm sorry this chapter took so long to upload, I've been completely stressed out with my mock G.C.S.Es, which started on Monday, and there have also been some complications. I'll try and post the next chapter as soon as possible.

_19th December 2002_

_Dear Ron_

_You have to be one of the best friends I know, your last letter made me cry, but that maybe just because I'm very emotional with the whole not eating thing._

_I've already told you I'm not going to admit to a problem that I don't have! I don't want to ruin my good mood by talking about this, but I do have something really good to tell you. I lost 5lbs in 5 days, and you wonder why I don't eat when I can lose a pound a day. I know you wont be happy about that, but I am, so don't rain on my parade._

_I took your advice, you know the whole 'take a good long look in the mirror', I did that and you want to know what I saw. I saw me, you say I don't need to lose weight, but when I saw the reflection of myself, I knew you were lying to me. I know your lying to me Ron, your just trying to make me feel better about myself, but it doesn't. I'm not stupid Ron, your hoping that if you say I'm not fat then I might start to believe you, but that's not going to happen. I took a long look in the mirror and I saw myself for what I really am! I'm short and fat, and need to lose a good 2 stone._

_I won't be here for Christmas, mom and dad have told me I need to go home. We're holding the annual Granger Christmas meal this year at house so that will be fun. At least being away means you can't watch my every move anymore._

_You know how you said that if I was going to do this then I had to look after my body, well I agree and that's why I'm thinking of taking up running. I mean it won't be hard, I could take a good long run around the grounds every day, and it would keep me fit after all. What do you think? You could even come with me and keep me company. Anyway think about it, I'll wait for your answer during the holidays._

_I have to finish this letter now, I have to go now, the carriages will be arriving in a few minutes to take us to Hogsmeade Station, I hope you find this note, I couldn't think of anywhere else to put apart from under your pillow_

Before I go though I just want to say thank you to you, you shouldn't have thanked me in your last letter, there was no need for it, but I have to thank you.

_I have to thank you for being one of the best friends I could ever hope for, like I said before. You really are one in a million, and I don't know what I'd do without you, actually yes I do, I'd probably be able to get on with this, without you interfering. All joking aside though, you really are one of the best, and if I ever do try to push you away, its good to know that you'll keep coming back._

_All my love_

_Hermione _

A/n: Please read and review, please no flamers, I understand it may be bad, but as I said before really close to home. A teacher will get involved soon, but there are still quite a few chapters to come before that. __


	8. Happy Christmas Hermione

**I never meant to…**

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!

A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist and so I've used characters I like. 

I'd also like to thank all the people who have reviewed and said such encouraging thing. This story is going to go on for quite a while as it's really hard to admit you have a problem, and a very tough process to go through to get back to normal again. 

Now I have to thank Herbie and everyone else for there kind reviews.

_24th December 2002_

_Dear Hermione_

_Sorry its took so long for me to write back, but I've been involved in a few to many snowball fights, I wish you were here with us, you would have had so much fun, but I' sure your having a great time at home with all your family._

_I'm so sorry about the whole 'take a look in the mirror' I should never have said it. I feel so guilty, was that what made you go for the five days, if so I am unbelievably sorry. I never meant it like that, not literally. I was trying to get you to see what I could, but it obviously didn't work. I don't think I could possibly express how sorry I am._

_Just listen to me Hermione, what you saw in that mirror, was not you, it was a distorted image. This is what arises when you develop a problem that gets out of hand. What you saw Hermione, is not why I do. I see a thin and pale girl, and since when have you been short, ok your not as tall as me, but then not many are, but your not fat. I don't know how many times I'm going to have to say that to you, until you realise that its true. It just won't register in your head that maybe your not what you think you are!_

_Now before you go into the whole 'I'm not going to admit I have a problem, when I don't have one' rant, you tend to go into during these letters, I would just like to state that throughout this letter I haven't tried to persuade you to admit to anything. Sorry, I just had to get that in before you had a little go at me like before._

_Oh by the way Hermione, you know the whole 5lbs weight loss. That is not healthy, no way is that healthy. You're only supposed to lose 2 or 3lbs a week, not 1lb a day. You do realise that once you begin to eat again, all that weight will go straight back on. It's not a healthy way to lose weight at all. Losing 5lbs in 5 day is just stupid. When are you going to realise that? Oh I know when it's too late to do anything to help you!_

_The whole running around the school grounds is a good idea though. At least I still know that your brains are still working. Count me in, I could do with some exercise myself, but promise me you won't go overboard with it. I had hoped that you would say you'd stop all this nonsense instead of coming up with an alternative to carry on with it. Though if I am with you I can keep an eye on you._

_I have to go in a minute the twins are preparing a snowball fight, those two versus Harry and me. They've been hoping to get Snape with a snowball, but it seems he won't leave the castle, unfortunately._

_Happy Christmas for tomorrow, in the enclosed parcel you will find your present, Harry's sending his separately, because I doubt Pig could carry them both he has enough trouble with mine. I'm not sure when this will get to you, as I've said before I'm entrusting Pig with this, so have a great Christmas, and write soon._

_All my love_

_Ron_

_P.S. Harry says hi, wish us good luck in the snowball fight. ___

A/n: Please read and review, please no flamers, I understand it may be bad, but as I said before really close to home. A teacher will get involved soon, but there are still quite a few chapters to come before that. __


	9. I hate Christmas

**I never meant to…**

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!

A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist and so I've used characters I like. 

I'd also like to thank all the people who have reviewed and said such encouraging thing. This story is going to go on for quite a while as it's really hard to admit you have a problem, and a very tough process to go through to get back to normal again. 

Now I have to thank Herbie and everyone else for there kind reviews.

26th December 2002

Dear Ron

I hate it here; I want to come back to school now! You wouldn't believe how awful this Christmas has been!

I hate my family they wouldn't leave me alone. I had to eat yesterday, a whole Christmas dinner I had to eat. They wouldn't let me leave the able until everything on my plate had been eaten. My grandma was sitting opposite, and watched my every move throughout the whole meal, as did my grandad and cousin who had sat themselves on either side of me. I could feel their eyes on me, they didn't think I knew, but I could feel them watching me as I put a piece of food in my mouth. Do you know how conscious I was of what I was doing?

It hurt so much Ron, it hurt my stomach, and it still hurts now. I could feel the food hitting the bottom of my stomach, and I knew instantly I was putting on weight. I could feel it happening! Every piece of food that went into my mouth meant that I was putting on weight. Do you know how depressing that thought was, I was putting all the weight on that I had worked so hard to lose. Its not easy starving yourself you know! You might not know that, but it really isn't easy. You have to ignore the temptation of food, because all it can do is make you fat, and yesterday I gave into that temptation. I feel so guilty and dirty. All that effort was in vain because of my family and their food!

Its my family's fault, if they hadn't of made me eat, I wouldn't feel this way. They just want to make me fatter than I already am! Why can't they leave me alone? why can't they let me get on with my life? They don't understand how long it's going to take me to get all this weight off again.

I hate them I hate them all!

I wish I were at Hogwarts with you and Harry; at least I'd have someone to talk to, instead of my family. My cousin kept looking over at me yesterday when she thought I wasn't looking. They must all think I'm stupid that I don't see these glances and looks I'm sent every so often by every member of the family. She looked as though she wanted to come and talk to me, but then she would decide not to. I don't know what she wants to talk about, no doubt it will come out today.

Yep that's right their all coming round our house again today. See with our family, everyone comes round on Boxing Day for a buffet of all the left over food from yesterday. Won't that be fun! I have to eat again, oh what a joyous occasion Christmas is.

Before I go thanks a lot for the present Ron, it was really sweet; I have to write a letter to Harry after this one. I hope you won your snowball fight against Fred and George, but I really have to go, their all coming round in half hour and I'm still in my new pyjamas.

I'll see you soon, write back quickly, I don't know whether I will be able to cope with my family and food for another whole day before I begin to get stressed out!

All my love

Hermione__

A/n: Please read and review, please no flamers, I understand it may be bad, but as I said before really close to home. A teacher will get involved soon, but there are still quite a few chapters to come before that. __


	10. Don't say things you don't mean!

**I never meant to…**

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!

A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist and so I've used characters I like. 

I'd also like to thank all the people who have reviewed and said such encouraging thing. This story is going to go on for quite a while as it's really hard to admit you have a problem, and a very tough process to go through to get back to normal again. 

Now I have to thank Herbie and everyone else for there kind reviews.

Sorry this has took me so long to post, but I've been getting my results back from mocks, and looking at 6th form options. I've only managed to do this today because I've been off ill.

_28th December 2002_

_Dear Hermione_

_Hermione, I am so sorry your having such a horrible time, but your taking everything people are doing the wrong way. Your family are trying to look out for you, but you can't see it. If you grandparents are watching you like a hawk, then surely that means they've noticed something wrong. It won't go unnoticed, people are going to see that you've lost weight, especially your family considering they haven't see you since the end of August!_

_You shouldn't say things that you don't mean. You don't hate your family, your illness does. It's creating all this hate inside of you because you think that if your family know what you're doing, and then they're going to try and stop you. They will do that, but you don't want them to you've become addicted to it, and you don't want to let this illness go._

_If you could see it from mine, and your family's point of view, you'd know how we feel seeing you destroy yourself. You're a clever girl Hermione, but that will soon go. Your brain can't function without food, not only are you starving your stomach, but your brain as well. Your marks will begin to deteriorate soon, and you'll have the professors trying to work out what's going on. I wouldn't be surprised if Dumbledore already knew. You know that man; he knows everything that goes on in this school!_

_What I'm saying is that you can't keep this a secret for much longer; I can guarantee that people are going to start asking questions if you come back looking like a stick! If your family have noticed, what about Harry and Ginny? They're not totally oblivious! While you've been away for Christmas I've had them both questioning me about your health. Both have said that your looking pale and gaunt nearly all the time they see you. They're both really worried, and I'm the one having to explain! Don't worry I haven't told them what your doing to yourself. The amount of times I have wanted to is no longer countable, but I've kept my promise, and I've had to make up a few stories._

_That's right Hermione; I've started lying for you! I mean lying to my best friend and my own sister; do you know how hard that is for me? You have me involved in this web of lies your spinning, and I can't get out anymore, and neither can you!_

_I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, but this is growing incredibly difficult for me. I know that you don't want me to share this with anyone, and I promised you I wouldn't a while ago, and if I do say so myself I'm keeping that promise very well. The only problem I have is the fact that I can see, and know what you're doing to yourself. I can see what it's doing to you and it upsets more than you could ever imagine. I know everything your going through, I mean you've felt you can trust me enough to tell me, but that just makes it worse. Dou you want to know why? Its because I feel completely useless, I know what's happening to you, but I just can't help you get better. An you want to know why I can't help you, it's because you don't want any help!_

_You're pushing away everyone who cares about you, me, Harry, Ginny and most of all your family! Don't tell me your not because you've already told me that you hate your family, and that's because they want to help you! You can't see that because you don't want to. You're closing your eyes to things you don't want to see, you need to open them and notice what you're doing to yourself, and that you're not on your own. We want to help, but you just wont let us!_

_I know I promised to keep this a secret, and I'm going to try my best, but it's getting increasingly hard. Your hurting yourself Hermione, you can't see it, but I can. I hate to see you like this. I an assure hat what your doing is mentally and physically harming you. You need to stop before this really does you some serious damage. In my opinion, its already got out of control, but you don't want to hear that now do you? Look I hate to see you like this and if it doesn't begin to get better, and I can't help you then we're going to seriously need to consider other options. Such as someone who can help you, like a professor or somebody else like that. _

_We are still going to go running aren't we? I mean it will certainly keep both you and I healthy. Also there is the fact that exercise is healthy for all parts of the body, and helps to tone muscles. Therefore with all this exercise I'm planning on doing with you, then you might be able stop all this no eating nonsense. No doubt you'll ignore that suggestion of mine, as it would mean getting rid of something thing that you've grown attached to. Unfortunately that's what's happened to you! You're attached to it, and anyone who tries to help you get rid of it, you're going to just push them away and shut them out of your life. I mean your family are great example of this. Just think about Hermione._

_All I'm saying is that this secret won't remain one for much longer; somebody's going to find out what you're doing to yourself. Your family's has already done that, but maybe someone who has the power to make you realise what you're doing. That persons not me or your family, its you!_

_Just look after yourself, promise me that Hermione, you'll look after yourself!_

_All my love_

_Ron_

A/n: Please read and review, please no flamers, I understand it may be bad, but as I said before really close to home. A teacher will get involved soon, but there are still quite a few chapters to come before that. __


	11. Hermione's return

**I never meant to…**

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!

A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist and so I've used characters I like. 

I'd also like to thank all the people who have reviewed and said such encouraging thing. This story is going to go on for quite a while as it's really hard to admit you have a problem, and a very tough process to go through to get back to normal again. 

Now I have to thank Herbie and everyone else for there kind reviews.

Ron had seated himself in one of the comfiest chairs in the common room. He was waiting for Hermione to arrive back from her Christmas holidays. Those who had left were due to arrive any minute now, and Ron had a lot to talk about with her. The common room was completely empty apart for Ron; many Gryffindors were down in the Great Hall waiting for their friends to arrive, or in the case of Harry and Ginny down at the quidditch pitch.

Ron had chosen one of the chairs close to the fire, so he would be kept warm. It was the beginning of January and the snow from Christmas was still around and the cold frost that had occurred the night before was still in the air. There was an empty seat next to him; he was saving it for when Hermione arrived. He hoped to make her as comfortable as possible in order to allow her to open up more. He knew that she was still tense about talking to him about all of this. She only seemed to be able to open up in her letters, when ever he had pulled her to one side and brought up the subject, she had usually stuttered and changed the subject as quickly as possible. Another thing was worrying him though, she hadn't replied to his last letter, she normally wrote back as soon as it was possible, but he hadn't heard from her in days. There could be a good explanation for that, she might not have received the letter, but then surely the owl would have returned it back to him. Maybe, well maybe she didn't want to talk to him about it any more, maybe…

The sound of the portrait closing, brought Ron out of his thoughts, and caught his attention. He quickly swivelled around in his chair to face the opening of the common room.

"Hermione?" he whispered, loud enough for her to hear him. She turned her head quickly in the direction of his voice.

"Ron, what are you doing here? Why aren't you down at the quidditch pitch with Harry and Ginny?" she questioned.

"Oh well I think we need to talk, don't you? How come you never answered my last letter? You always reply as quickly as possible, what happened? Are you trying to ignore me now, did I say something in that letter that hit home?" Ron inquired as Hermione bowed her head and slowly began to walk to the vacant chair next to him.

"Look Ron, I'm sorry I didn't write back, but, well I had a lot of things going on in my head," she tried to explain.

"That's the problem though, you have so many thoughts going round in your head, and that doesn't help you. You keep them all bottled up, you don't share them!" he sighed in an exasperated voice.

"What do you mean?" Hermione's voice began to rise along with her anger. "I do tell you things, what do you think those letters contain that I send you? They contain my thoughts and feelings! I only send them to you, and I only tell you, I don't talk about this with other people. I don't know what your trying to get at, but I'm really not in the mood to listen to it today. I've had a horrible Christmas, and I thought that coming back here to be with my friends, then I'd be allowed to forget about it all. Obviously I was wrong!" Hermione finished her rant and got up to leave.

"Sit down Hermione!" Ron shouted as she began to walk away from him.

"I'm sorry what did you say?"

"I said sit down! We need to talk and I'm not going to let you walk away from this anymore"

"Ron, you can't tell me what to do! I told you I don't want to talk about anything at the moment, and especially not with you!" She turned on her heel and headed towards the staircase.

"Hermione don't you dare walk away from me" he shouted as he grabbed her wrist and swung her round to face him. "Look Hermione, we have to talk about this. Please just sit down!" He led her towards the two chairs next to the fire and made sure they were both comfortable.

"What do you want me to say Ron? Do you want me to sit here and pour my heart out to you?" she cried in explanation.

"I want you talk to me about it, instead of just writing down your feelings, surely it would be easier to say them."

"What if someone's listening though?" Her voice was wary as she turned her head round to look around the room in case there was somebody lurking in the shadows, or hidden behind a chair.

"Look, its just you and me, you can see that. There's no one here to listen into this conversation I promise you that."

"O.k., well I'm still not sure what I'm supposed to be telling you. Maybe I should start with the reason I didn't answer your letter yes?" Ron nodded his head in answer to her question. He sat quietly in front of her, giving her a piercing stare. Hermione took his nod as her cue to continue.

"I'm sorry about not replying I really am, but a lot of things have been going on since your last letter, and I didn't know how to explain them. Do you remember me telling you about the looks I had been getting off my cousin, well we had a long chat on Boxing Day." Ron once again nodded, his eyes still transfixed on her face. "Well she started talking to me about, well mainly the same thing you do. She was telling me what a healthy diet consisted of. You know the usual, carbohydrates, protein, fats, fibre, water, minerals and vitamins. Then she began to tell me what foods contained the components, and how my body needed a certain amount on the components to survive. Of course by then I new where she was going with the conversation, it was blatantly obvious. Then she asked me if there was anything I wished to tell her, in the strictest of confidence of course."

"What did you say? Did you tell her about any of this?" Ron asked immediately, breaking his silence, however he didn't remove his eyes from her face.

"What? Of course I didn't tell her anything, what a stupid question! She doesn't need to know anything, you only know because you guessed and kept going on about it in your letters." Her voice had risen at the beginning of her explanation, but had slowly come back t its normal level. She opened her mouth to continue her explanation, but was quickly cut off by Ron.

"Wait a minute, you told me because I had already guessed, and kept going on about it. Well isn't that exactly what your cousin has done? I mean she's obviously guessed, along with the rest of your family, and she wanted to talk about it, but you ignored the help once again!" His voice had begun to get louder, and this provoked Hermione's to do the same

"Look Ron, I don't need help, and I'm not pushing everyone away. I'm not pushing you away,"

"No, but you've tried to!" Ron interrupted.

"I don't think you know how hard it is to write how I feel, let alone talk about it. Its not easy this, you don't realise how hard I find it." By now tears had started to form in her eyes and were threatening to fall. Ron himself was finding it increasingly difficult to keep his feelings hidden. "You know it's not easy, I don't like what I'm doing, it's not fun, it's hard work. Do you really think I like lying to people about this? Lying is the only way I can achieve this, this aim. For Gods sake, I don't want to lie, but I have to!" By now tears were spilling out of her eyes, and tumbling down her cheeks. Ron could also feels his tears threatening to fall as well.

"Hermione, you don't have to lie," he tried to reason with her, but she quickly interrupted him.

"What do you mean I don't have to lie? Of course I do, do you really think that people would allow me to get away without eating for so long? It doesn't happen like that! People think they're helping and protecting you from it, but there not, they just make it worse. The reason I'm doing this Ron, as I've told you before, is that I think I'm fat. The only way I can lose weight is to stop eating. It's a simple idea and works extremely well. I could explain it all to you if you wish." She was beginning to get hysterical now, and Ron knew he needed to calm her down, but just didn't know how to. What could he say or do, to comfort her, and quieten her a bit.

"Look Hermione," he stopped to wipe away a few of the many hot tears running down her cheeks. "I don't think your fat, I can tell from where I'm sitting that you've lost a lot of weight over the holidays and …"

"What? How can you say that, do you really think I'm that stupid and gullible?"

"I don't know, you see that questions become a hard one to answer considering what you're doing to yourself."

"You know what, sarcasm is the lowest form of humour! To answer your question no I'm not stupid! I know what you're trying to do."

"Oh please tell me Hermione, please tell me what I'm trying to do to you"

"Your trying to make me feel thin, you're lying to me. Don't think I can't tell when someone lies to me. I've been doing enough of that myself, and I can tell when people are lying a mile away. I know your motive, you think that if you tell me that I'm thin enough times, then I may be gullible enough and start to believe what your saying. If I start to believe you then you hope that I'll give up on my aim to bet thin." Hermione had once again stood up, and was shouting down at Ron.

He was still sitting in his chair, his face showed utter disbelief. His eyes were wide open, and full of tears that had yet to fall. Hermione on the other hand was out of her chair looking down on him as she shouted. Her cheeks were red from shouting, as were her eyes. Though her eyes were red from the amount of tears that had fallen from them. The tears were still flowing down her cheeks, and her eyes would fill up with new ones as quickly as they would leave. As her outburst registered in Ron's mind, he too suddenly jumped out of his chair and onto his feet.

"You are so suspicious Hermione, why would I lie to you? I'm telling you that you're thin because it's the truth. You don't want to see it though. You've closed your eyes to what is reality and only open them to your imagination. You want to believe your fat because it gives you an excuse to carry on with his, with this eating disorder. Why can't you see it Hermione? Its took control of you, you can't control it anymore, instead it controls you! Please Hermione, I'm begging you, you need help, please get it!"

Hermione was crying harder than she had been, and quickly flung her arms around his neck. He wrapped his arms around her in return, and both stood there hugging each other. Neither said anything to each other, the only sounds that could be heard throughout the whole room were Hermione crying. Ron was grateful that she couldn't see his face as the tears that had been threatening to spill out for such a long time had finally done so, and were silently falling down his face.

A/n: Please read and review, please no flamers, I understand it may be bad, but as I said before really close to home. A teacher will get involved soon, but there are still quite a few chapters to come before that. __


	12. Transfiguration Lesson

**I never meant to…**

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!

A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist and so I've used characters I like. 

I'd also like to thank all the people who have reviewed and said such encouraging thing. This story is going to go on for quite a while as it's really hard to admit you have a problem, and a very tough process to go through to get back to normal again. 

_15th January 2002_

_Hi Hermione, what are we supposed to be doing again? I mean I can see McGonagall's mouth moving, I just cant hear any words._

Hi Ron, we're supposed to be reading Chapter 5, while McGonagall goes through it with us. Please don't write to me again some of us are trying to listen and learn.

_Sorry, but I'm bored. Eaten anything lately?_

Shut up Ron, and stop asking questions, yes I ate, I could give you an account of everything that went into my mouth the past two weeks if you would like.

Really, the past two weeks, can't have been eating much if you can remember that. I mean I don't think I can even remember what I ate yesterday!

Well I just have a good memory span, unlike others!

What's that supposed to mean, are you saying I never remember things, I'll have you know I have quite a good memory, in fact I could probably tell you, when you last ate.

Don't lie Ron; you couldn't tell me when I last ate!

Oh so you admit it was that long ago 

Err… no! I just mean that, oh shut up and leave me alone!

Calm down Hermione, you don't have to get touchy because you have a problem, otherwise known as an eating disorder.

I don't have a problem/eating disorder!

You 'do' have a problem. An anorexic is someone with warped self-image, who doesn't eat and is damaging their health as a result! Sound familiar?

No it does NOT sound familiar because I'm NOT anorexic, I CAN'T be anorexic

Why can't you be anorexic????? 

Because, I just can't. I don't get ill!!!! 

No, you do. You make yourself ill by not eating. You NEED 2000kcal a day 1500kcal when dieting. 1000kcal or below is starvation level. Yesterday you ate an orange! That's about 40kcal. Can you really not see a problem with that?

I really don't see a problem. I'm loosing weight, am I not! Yes! I lost 6lbs in 5 days, because I didn't eat. It works! An anyway, the orange was nice, and it filled me up. I'm NOT anorexic, because I'm not thin!!! Anyway when did you become an expert on all this?

I'_ve been reading books about it because I'm really worried about you Hermione. By the way, the reason that the orange filled you up is because your stomach has shrunk so much because of its emptiness! Jesus Girl! You're basically killing yourself slowly because you're not eating._

I'm not trying to kill my self, just

But you will if you keep on like this 

I'm not going to die; I'm just going to loose weight and become thin. Its just been going on too long to stop now. That's the whole point, if my stomach shrinks it means I'm getting thinner!

If its been going on too long to stop now, what about 6months away! How are you going to stop then? 

I will stop when I reach 7st maybe 7.5st at the most. I will be able to stop!!!!

How much do you weigh now? 

You can't ask me that Ron! It's a secret!

Hermione! Tell me now, or I may just have to slip your little secret to McGonagall!

Ok, ok, remember you promised you wouldn't tell anyone, I weigh 8.5st, I know its really bad!

Hermione that isn't! You do know that if you start pigging out your going to put the weight straight back on, because of how quickly your losing it. If you eat healthily, you'll lose weight and keep it off!

The thing is, I don't like chocolate or fast food much at all, or anything that contains a lot of fat. My taste buds have changed, I only really like fruit and potatoes, and a bit of meat.

Fine! Eat fruit; potatoes and meat, just eat something! 

No! I only eat meals when I have to. E.g. holidays when my family insist I go home, and they're there watching me!

You stupid girl! How long till you collapse and get rushed to the hospital wing? I mean I'm sure your parents know about it.

I don't collapse! My mom has an inkling I think, but she cant make me eat, she already gives me lectures when I'm at home about being anorexic, my dad does the same.

Well obviously you have some kind of problem if you parents and I can see it. When will you believe us? When your in the hospital wing on a drip!

I just think your over exaggerating. Now hide this McGonagall's on her way over! 

A/n: Please read and review, please no flamers, I understand it may be bad, but as I said before really close to home. This chapter is based on a conversation I've had with my friend during a French lesson.


	13. Running

**I never meant to…**

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!

A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist and so I've used characters I like. 

I'd also like to thank all the people who have reviewed and said such encouraging thing. This story is going to go on for quite a while as it's really hard to admit you have a problem, and a very tough process to go through to get back to normal again. 

Now I have to thank Herbie and everyone else for there kind reviews.

"Hey Harry, do I look the part to go running" Ron asked as he turned his head away from the mirror. He was looking into a full-length mirror, perfecting his new image. His blue jogging had the recognisable addidas three stripes, and a matching white t-shirt.

"Yeah you look fine." He replied, but suddenly turned his head to face Ron's reflected image in the mirror. "What? You're going running, with who?"

"Oh didn't I tell you. I'm going for a run with Hermione. We're going running around the grounds for a while that's all." Ron explained this to Harry as he began to brush his hair.

"Oh," was all Harry could answer. "Err, are you coming down to the common room, I have a chess match scheduled with your sister."

"Yeah, just wait a minute will you." Ron touched his hair, and straightened his clothes out for one last time. "I'm ready now. Come on, I have to meet Hermione in a few minutes." Both boys left their room and walked down to the common room.

Ginny was sitting in a large comfy red chair, the table in front of her, had a chessboard placed in the middle. She was carefully lining her chessman up while waiting for Harry to arrive.

"Hey Gin, ready to play?" Harry asked as he took his place in the empty seat opposite. She nodded her head in reply, and waited for him to set his own chessmen up. She caught Ron standing next to her in the corner of her eye.

"Ron, where are you going dressed like that?" she asked. Ron had his head turned towards the girl's staircase, and it took a moment to register that someone had been talking to him.

"What?"

"I said where are you going looking like that?" Ginny asked once again, her voice had become more impatient than the last time she had asked. Ron's mouthed opened ready to answer his sister's question, when a new voice entered the conversation and interrupted him.

"His coming running with me around the grounds." Hermione explained as she came to stand next to Ron. Her bushy hair had been pulled back into a high ponytail, with two pieces that had fallen down pushed behind her ears. Her outfit wasn't as sporty as Ron's; she was wearing loose trousers of a grey material, with a thin white stripe down the outside of each leg. She wore a plain white tank top, with a grey jacket over the top to keep her arms warm.

"Why are you going…?" Ginny started to ask, but was cut off by Harry.

"You ready to play Gin?"

"Yeah, just wait a minute though."

"Sorry Gin, we got to go, we, well more likely I have homework still to do after this. Reday Hermione?" Hermione nodded her head and both headed towards the portrait opening.

"Wait a" Ginny started, but soon mumbled the last of her sentence. She turned to face Harry. "Alright Harry, lets see if you can beat me today. I believe the score stands a four games to me and well zero to you." Harry nodded his head, and both their heads to concentrate on the games as Ginny made her first move.

Ron and Hermione proceeded down to the castle's front doors in silence. Hermione turned to Ron,

"We should start with a slow jog as to warm up our muscles. It is a very important part of exercise, so it must be done properly, we don't want to over stretch our muscles or twist anything." Ron stared at her, nodding his head as she carried on to telling him about warm ups. He was quite shocked when she suddenly started to run. He stood there watching where she was going.

"Ron! Why are you still standing there? I told you we need to warm-up, if your not going to take this seriously then… Ron didn't let her finish her sentence, as he jogged after her.

"O.k. Hermione, I'm sorry, I promise I won't do it again. I will listen to everything you say throughout this running session." Hermione looked him up and down and carried on jogging with Ron at her side.

The chess match taking place in the common room had been going on for around fifteen minutes and Ginny was still yet to make her third move.

"Harry its not that hard, just move one of your pieces, it doesn't usually take you this long," Ginny sighed in exasperation.

"Don't rush me Ginny, I'm taking my time over this match, I would like to win at least one! I've figured out that my losing streak has occurred because I making my decisions to hastily. Therefore if I take my time, I may be able to win."

"Harry, it has nothing to do with how long you take with a move! If you keep taking five minutes or more we're going to be here till the morning, and I would lie to get some sleep at least! The only reason your losing is because, well I'm better than you at chess. I wouldn't worry, I could let you win if you want me to."

"No! I want to win properly, not because you feel sorry for me. I need to concentrate so stop trying to distract me."

"Harry, is it me or have you noticed something different between Hermione and Ron since the start of the school year?"

"Mmmm, I know what you mean when you say that, they've become quite secretive about something, but I'm not sure what it is. Ah there you go." Harry moved his middle pawn forward two spaces.

"Oh my God it took you five minutes to decide to make that move! What is wrong with you, couldn't you have done that earlier?"

"No, I was debating on moving it either one square or two."

"I don't think I'm going to be able to cope if it' going to be like this for the rest of the match."

"Hey Hermione, slow down a bit I'm not used to running that much!"

"Look Ron, its not my fault if you can't keep up, but the faster we go, the more exercise we can do in the hour," she explained between breaths.

"Hermione, I think you need a rest, you really are looking to good," he told her; she ignored his remark and carried on. Ron however had stopped. "Hermione! Come back here, at least have a drink." Hermione turned her head back to look at him. He was standing next to the lake with two bottles of water one in each hand. She turned round and ran back to him.

"Look Ron, a drink isn't really necessary, it's just taking up valuable exercise time!" she was still running on the spot as she talked to him.

"Hermione sit down, and drink!" Ron's voice became stern, and Hermione slowly sat down taking the water bottle from him. They both sat in silence drinking from the bottles looking out onto the lake. Every now and again, a tentacle would rise from below the waters surface, but instantly return with a splash.

"You ready to carry on Ron?"

"Err, I am, but are you?"

"What's that supposed to mean of course I am, I'm not the one who was lagging behind because I couldn't take the pressure."

"O.K. know need to bite my head off I was just wondering. You may not have been lagging behind like I was, but at least I don't look as though I'm going to faint."

"What? Don't exaggerate Ron, I feel fine!" She then gave him a grim smile.

"O.K. Hermione, I believe you." He stood up from his place on the ground and placed his water bottle on the floor, he extended his hand to Hermione as an offer to help her up.

"I'm quite capable of getting up myself thank you very much," she said defensively.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you, I just thought it would be polite to offer." Hermione slowly got up from her seat on the ground oblivious to the worried look Ron gave her as she did so. As soon as she had got up she went off running, Ron ran after her, as fast as he could until he reached her side once again. Every now and again he would glance over at her checking that she looked O.K.

"I can't believe it! You did it again, and I took my time to play my moves!"

"I'm sorry Harry, you were better than the last time we played, but maybe its because you took so long over your moves that you'd forgotten the move I'd just made." Harry just stared at her, after the comment she made. He decided to change the topic not really wanting to get into a disagreement over a game of chess.

"Anyway, what do you think is going on between Ron and Hermione?"

"Well I was thinking about that during the chess match. Maybe there is something going on between them. I always thought they'd make a nice couple." A dreamy look came over Ginny's face while Harry thought about the prospect of his two best friends becoming a couple. "However, I'm not sure that has happened, it wouldn't explain the tension that surrounds them occasionally, I'm not sure whether you've noticed it." Harry nodded his head, he became deep in thought as Ginny began to name some very possible situations, and some out of this world ideas. She had missed one detail that Harry had been quite quick to see.

"What about all these letters they send to each other? I mean Ron tries to keep them secret, and I've never managed to read one, but most of them are signed from Hermione. What do you think they have to say to each other that they haven't all ready mentioned in the day, or can't say in front of us?"

"I don't know, maybe there love letters, actually if my brothers been writing them back, I'm quite positive there not." Harry grinned at this comment, and Ginny snorted back a laugh. "You never know, maybe they have arguments in these letters, it's not as though they have many now, in fact I don't think I've really heard them argue since the beginning of the school year. I think we've solved our mystery Harry!" Ginny squealed in delight, while Harry nodded his head vigorously. 

"Hermione are you O.K." Ron asked his face was scrunched up with worry. Hermione, who was running on his left hand side, had lost all the colour from her face. "Hermione, sit down." Once again Ron was the first one to stop while Hermione carried on until she noticed that her running partner was no longer at her side. She turned and ran back to the place where he was standing. She stood opposite him, and suddenly she felt her legs begin to wobble.

A/n: I think its kind of a cliffhanger; I can't make my mind up. This is my longest chapter ever so I'm really chuffed. Harry and Ginny sneaked into this chapter, I'm not sure why though, it gave me a bit of a break from writing out Hermione's feelings till the next chapter. If you liked this, and I hope you did, please review I like to hear people's comments.


	14. Hermione are you alright?

**I never meant to…**

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!

A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist, but I don't have to see him anymore so I could stop writing this but I find it helps a considerable amount.

This story is going to go on for quite a while as it's really hard to admit you have a problem, and a very tough process to go through to get back to normal again. 

Now I have to thank Herbie, Mione-n-Ron4ever and everyone else who have reviewed and said such encouraging things.

I would also like to thank coolchick207 for the extremely kind invitation of e-mailing her to talk about all this stuff. It's really kind of you to do that and I may take you up on the offer.

In answer to one of Herbie's questions is Ron based on any of my mates, yes he is. He is based on 5of them Steph, Manjit, Claire, Jennifer and Emma all of whom I owe a great deal of thanks to, for all there support and their friendship, and not giving up on me when I tried to push them away

I'd also like to make an apology for this really late update, but this has been the hardest chapter to write as I've had to go through it all again to write this, and add to that my slight relapse in my recovery, I've done a few stupid things that I would add to the story, but they don't really fit in with it. O.K I finished my little thing on with the story.

"Hermione are you O.K." Ron asked his face was scrunched up with worry. Hermione, who was running on his left hand side, had lost all the colour in her face. "Hermione, sit down." Once again Ron was the first one to stop while Hermione carried on until she noticed that her running partner was no longer at her side. She turned and ran back to the place where he was standing. She stood opposite him, and suddenly she felt her legs begin to wobble.

She grabbed on to Ron for support, but was to late to grip onto his arm as she felt her legs begin to give way. Ron's reactions were much quicker than her and he quickly grabbed onto her arms. He helped lower her onto the ground, and sat next to her. She quickly pulled her legs into her chest, and his arm went round her back, and pulled her now trembling body into his.

Hermione could feel herself trembling, but knew of no way to stop it. She felt cold, but knew she wasn't from the feel of her hands as they rose to cover her eyes. She could feel Ron's arm around her, puling into his body, other than that she was oblivious to her surrounding. She could feel tears welling up in her eyes as she let herself be comforted by Ron. She couldn't understand what was happening, why was she reacting like this, she hadn't over exercised what was wrong with her, she just couldn't understand it. Suddenly she felt her stomach go, and she felt sick rise to her throat. She couldn't be sick, not in front of Ron anyway, she swallowed it back down, but that didn't help she could feel it come back. Every time she swallowed it back down it would come back with a vengeance. 

"Hermione, Hermione are you ok?" Hermione could faintly here him repeating the question over and over again, but she had no energy to reply. Instead she was using it to keep consciousness. She felt extremely dizzy and the fact that her eyes were sliding in and out focus wasn't helping. If only she could regain her composure to assure Ron she was fine, everything would be ok, however it did not seem likely that her idea would work.

"Hermione, Hermione answer me, are you ok. Look Hermione I think we need to get you to the hospital wing." She heard that statement more clearly and used the strength she had left to grab onto his arm as tightly as she could.

"No, I'm fine just went slightly dizzy" her voice was barely a whisper and Ron noticed it.

"You don't sound alright Hermione," Hermione could tell from the tone of his voice it held a great amount of concern. She had noticed that her eyes were beginning to focus once again, however the trembling was yet to stop, as was the sickness.

"Hermione, please can we get you to the hospital wing your not well can't you tell that for yourself now." Ron was pleading with her once again. She had become familiar with that tone of voice. He seemed to be using it a lot lately, especially when he was talking to her, or writing notes for her.

"I am not going to the hospital wing, I am not ill, I think I might have over done it." Her voice was beginning to regain it strength, and she was still adamant that she was not going to go to the hospital wing, or was she ill in anyway at all. Finally Ron lost his temper with her, he grabbed her wrists and pulled her up off the ground standing to face him.

"Hermione, have you eaten?" he received no answer from her; instead she just stared into a space just beside his face. "Hermione, I've asked you a question, have you eaten?" This time he shook by her wrists, but still there came no answer. The expression on her face showed that she had found something more interesting to stare at rather than look and listen to Ron. "So do I take your silence as a no you haven't eaten?" 

Hermione could tell from the tone of his voice that he was angry with her, actually he was more than angry, she had never heard him talk to her like this before. Of course she could hear him, she just didn't want to answer him, because she knew her answer would be the wrong one. She felt her wrists being violently shaken again, and this time Ron posed a different question.

"When did you last eat Hermione?" still he received no reply. "Hermione, when did you last eat? Why am I asking you that? I already know the answer!"

That statement certainly caught Hermione's attention. Her eyes instantly moved from the spot just past Ron's head to his blue eyes.

"What do you mean you already know the answer? I ate yesterday" Hermione's voice contained a large amount of panic, she had hoped that she could have kept her voice calm, but as soon as the words left her mouth she knew she hadn't managed to keep up the lies. Even if her voice had been calm enough Ron would have seen the panic reflected in her dark brown eyes.

"No, Hermione. Don't do this to me. I don't want you to lie to me anymore ok. You've done enough of that already. I know you haven't eaten properly for a week, and you wonder why you have reacted like this after running look at yourself Hermione, you're so thin! You can see your ribs sticking out of your top. You looked malnourished, unbelievably unhealthy. The only way you've been able to cover it up is by wearing baggy robes. Don't think I'm a fool Hermione I've been watching you and know what you've eaten this week!" 

Hermione gulped and her eyes started to well with tears. How could he know, why did he need to watch? Why couldn't he leave her to get on with it? She knew that those questions all shared the same answer. He watched her because he cared. He didn't want to leave her to get on with it because he cared. She hadn't realised it before, but he truly cared about her. That thought set her tears off, and they tumbled down her cheeks at such a fast rate she was having trouble to hide them.

Ron could see the tears streaming down her face. He didn't know what had set them off as they had been standing in silence for a few minutes. He decided to ignore them however she needed to hear the truth about what she was doing and how she was deeply upsetting him. She didn't realise how much he cared about her, and how much he hated to see her ruin her life and future.

"Hermione, you can't live on an orange a day! Its not healthy, you get no energy, why do you think you collapsed? It's because you have no energy! You're a smart witch; you just don't seem to be able to understand this. You're ruining your body! Your stomach is shrinking, your heart will start to become weak, and your brain is receiving no food. You're not just starving your stomach, but your starving all your vital organs, you don't want them to start to fail do you?"

Hermione could take it no longer. She didn't need him to tell her the consequences of what she was doing she knew deep down in her heart that this was wrong but she didn't want to stop it. It was the only thing she had control over and she was not about to let Ron take control of this situation. She didn't need him to she was getting along fine without him trying to take over. 

She looked him straight in the eyes before she turned and ran back towards the school. She could feel the tears streaming down her face freely. Her footfalls vibrated through her body that had begun to tremble once again, but this was because of her many tears. Once she reached the front door of the castle she tripped over one of the steps on her way up. She quickly picked herself up and carried on, trying unsuccessfully to stop the flow of tears. As she reached the stop of the marble staircase she had to quickly stop herself before she ran into the wall. She carried on at full speed running through the corridor skidding at every corner. Her head was down, and didn't realise that she was heading straight into Professor McGonagall until the collision occurred.

Hermione hit McGonagall with such a force that she knocked her off her feet. Hermione quickly stopped and looked down at the professor sprawled on the floor. She mumbled a quick apology before running off once again on her path to the common room. 

"No running in the corridors Miss Granger." She heard the muffled shout from McGonagall as she rounded the corner. She hoped she had seen no trace of tears. She couldn't bare for her favourite teacher to see her cry. It was bad enough for Ron to have seen it twice now, but Professor McGonagall, no she could never show weakness like that in front of her.

Of course Professor McGonagall was sharp enough to see the distress of Hermione and called after her several times before she gave up imagining that she had reached the common room by now at the speed she was going. However seeing the girl in such distress had seriously worried the professor, and she wandered back towards her office.

Ron was still standing in the same spot he had been for the last five minutes. He couldn't understand what he had said to make her run away fro him like that. He was trying to help her, but she didn't seem to want it. She wanted him to leave her alone, but he couldn't. He cared for her too much to stand by and watch her ruin everything she could ever hope to achieve. It was up to him now to make the right decision on how he needed to handle this situation. He slowly turned and headed back to the castle.

Hermione had reached her dormitory; having rushed passed everyone in the common room. Luckily enough it seemed as though no one had notice her enter and so she had managed to quietly avoid a chat with any Gryffindors including Harry and Ginny. She was now lying curled up in her bed her quilt cover was pulled up over head from the outside there was just a trembling mound under Hermione's quilt, where as inside thee was a distressed red eyed girl who was sobbing her heart out. Something she hadn't done in a while. She was letting all her anguish and pain out, and there was no way she would be stopping soon. The tears kept coming as she thought about the situation she had got herself into. Why was it such a mess? When she was the one in control of it. She was in control of it, so why did she feel as though it had changed positions with her, and this thing was the one in control, not her. She felt stupid thinking this, how could she lose control of something that didn't exist, this was Ron again; he was putting ideas in her head. He was planting these ideas that were growing to the point where she was beginning to think that he was right. How could he be right? I t was all part of his plan to take control of this. He was trying to take her control away from her. Why was he doing it? Why was he doing this to her? These questions kept swimming round in her mind. When she finally fell asleep, it was after hours of crying; in fact she only stopped crying after she had fallen asleep. I suppose you could say that this 15-year-old girl had literally cried herself to sleep.

As Ron walked slowly back to the castle he was still trying to figure out exactly what he'd done or said to her to make her react in that way. He couldn't understand her anymore. He thought he'd got his head around it to begin with, but now it was getting out of control, and he could no longer do this on his own. How could he help her when she didn't want help? As he walked along his head was bowed down, and he watched his shoes scuff against the floor as he walked. Like Hermione, he didn't realise he was about to bump into someone until the collision occurred.

"That's the second time to night that I've been walked to, though luckily enough you didn't send me flying on the floor."

Ron needn't have lifted his head, but he did out of politeness and respect. He knew exactly to whom the voice belonged to. It was a distinguishable soft feminine Scottish accent.

"Sorry Professor I didn't see you there."

"I know Mr Weasley, you were to busy looking at your shoes rather than the corridor and the people in front of you." Ron bowed his head, rather than apologising again. "Mr Weasley, are you alright?" Ron nodded his head though his eyes gave a different answer. "This wouldn't have anything to do with a certain Miss Granger would it?" Ron's head snapped up immediately at the mention of Hermione's name. "I'll take that action as a yes shall I?" Ron nodded his reply.

"How'd you know it was about Hermione?"

"You know how I mentioned that you had been the second to bump into me tonight," Ron nodded his head. "Miss Granger was the first to do it."

"Was she ok, did she seem alright to you?" Ron asked hurriedly.

"Mr Weasley is there something you would like to tell me?" Her piercing eyes scanned his face for any sign of an answer.

"No Professor McGonagall." Ron went to continue on his way to the common room, but a hand on his shoulder stopped him. McGonagall turned him round. I think we need to have a talk don't you Mr Weasley?"

A/N: Sorry about this chapter its rather all over the place, if you get confused don't stress the next chapter should have some more explanation in.


	15. I think we need to talk don't you Mr Wea...

**I never meant to…**

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!

A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist, but I don't have to see him anymore so I could stop writing this but I find it helps a considerable amount.

Now I have to thank Herbie, Mione-n-Ron4ever and everyone else who have reviewed and said such encouraging things.

I would also like to thank coolchick207 for the extremely kind invitation of e-mailing her to talk about all this stuff. It's really kind of you to do that and I may take you up on the offer.

In answer to one of Herbie's questions is Ron based on any of my mates, yes he is. He is based on 5of them Steph, Manjit, Claire, Jennifer and Emma all of whom I owe a great deal of thanks to, for all there support and their friendship, and not giving up on me when I tried to push them away

I'd also like to make an apology for this really late update, O.K I finished my little thing on with the story.

Ron could feel McGonagall's hand gently steering him towards her office. He wanted to resist the pushing, but he couldn't bring himself to do so. This was the chance he'd been looking for. This was his chance to make someone else aware of what was happening. He had to do it for Hermione.

Once they reached McGonagall's office she spoke her password, and Ron slowly followed her in. He began to have second thoughts over his decision; maybe he should keep it to himself.

"Mr Weasley, do sit down and close the door, it's letting a draught in." McGonagall had made herself comfortable in a red squashy armchair that closely resembled those present in the Gryffindor common room. Ron moved slowly towards the matching unoccupied armchair, and slowly lowered himself into it. "Is there anything you wish to tell me, Mr Weasley?" Ron looked to the floor when she asked the question, he was still torn between what he should do.

One half of him wanted to tell Professor McGonagall the truth, he wanted to tell her everything from the beginning, not only would he be helping Hermione out of this situation, but also himself. He could tell someone else this secret, he wouldn't be the only one to handle this, and someone else would keep an eye on her too, it wouldn't all be left down to him. The other half of him however couldn't bring himself to do it. He couldn't betray Hermione, what would she do if she ever found out? She'd never forgive him, let alone trust him again. She'd already warned him about that in her letters. No he couldn't do it to her, he couldn't risk his friendship with her. She'd never understand that he'd only be trying to help.

"Mr Weasley, Mr Weasley!" Professor McGonagall's voice had become stern by the time she had called his name for the second time. The severity of her voice brought Ron back to reality, and he lifted hi head to look at her.

"Sorry Professor I was just thinking about something." Ron explained quietly

"Is everything alright Ron?" McGonagall's voice held a sincere note of concern, and the look on her face added to this.

"Yes Professor everything's fine, that's why I don't really understand why you called me in her." Ron plastered a fake smile on his face, and that smile was greeted with a suspicious stare.

"Well I wanted to talk to you about Miss Granger." Ron bowed his head at the sound of Hermione's name this action aroused greater suspicion.

"What about her?"

"When she bumped into me, she seemed to be in a great amount of distress, considering you followed her not long after, I wondered if you could explain what had happened to put her in that sort of state?" McGonagall lifted her legs onto the chair, and tucked them underneath her, while Ron once again had found an interesting spot on the floor that was far more interesting than McGonagall. He shifted around in his chair obviously either uncomfortable in the chair or with the question that had just been asked. "Do I take your behaviour, and the look on your face that you do indeed know what happened to Miss Granger, what has upset her so much?" Ron slowly nodded his head in answer to her question. McGonagall continued to look at him expecting a more explanatory answered but all she received was silence." Would you like to explain what happened?" Ron shook his head, his decision made quicker than before, McGonagall opened her mouth to continue her inquisition not expecting his answer o be extended…

"I can't tell you, she made me promise!" Ron's voice sounded strained, and when he raised his head to look at McGonagall she could see the confliction in his eyes. He wanted to tell her, but he couldn't and wouldn't because of his strong friendship with the girl in question.

"Well how about a hint?" Once again Ron shook his head, though more hesitantly than before.

"I'm so sorry, I want to tell you I really do, but I can't!" His eyes were pleading with her to stop the questioning, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. Something to upset both of her pupils so much must have been bad, and in order to find out what she had to persist with her questioning.

Ron's eyes betrayed him; they gave away the fact that he really did want to tell her in order to get some help

Meanwhile Ron was having his own conflict inside his mind. The half of him that wanted and needed to tell McGonagall everything was slowly beating his other half. One more question and he knew he would break. He couldn't do it anymore; Hermione needed help, not just the help of a friend, but also professional help.

"Mr Weasley if there is a serious problem concerning either you or Miss Granger then I need to know about it in order to help you. It was obvious fro miss Granger's distress that something has occurred and it seems to me that you and Miss Granger are the only ones to know." McGonagall's voice was becoming impatient, and her frustration evident.

"I'm sorry Professor, but I don't know what to do, I don't know what's best for Hermione!"

"Mr Weasley, if it is this serious then I would think that t would only be right for you to tell me, and I'm sure Miss Granger would see it that way too." Her voice had softened, and was once again full of concern. Ron nodded his head in reply to her and began his explanation.

"Professor I think that Hermione's suffering from an eating disorder."

It was obvious from the look on McGonagall's face that the answer she had just received was certainly not the one she had been expecting. It took her around a minute to let it sink in, while Ron sat in silence, finding the whole situation rather uncomfortable.

"Well…err… when did you find this out?" McGonagall couldn't seem to find the words to form a question.

"Well I found out around October I think, I started writing her letters about it, but she's never told me how long its been going on for, and I've never thought to ask."

"Is there anything else? Do you know what type of eating disorder it might be?" Her questioning was becoming stronger now that the problem had sunk in properly. She needed to find out as many facts as was possible in order to confront Hermione.

"Well I think she suffering from both anorexia and bulimia. Sometimes she won't eat a proper meal for a week, just surviving on fruit really, oh and the occasional binge on chocolate. When she does eat a meal though she makes frequent visits to the toilets." Ron told her, concern was written all over McGonagall's face as she learned of the number of days the young girl would starve herself for.

"What caused her upset tonight?"

"Well I'd agreed to go running with her on the pretence that she would begin to eat. I found out she'd lied to me again when she nearly fainted. After that we had an argument and she stormed off." McGonagall nodded her head in understanding.

"Well Mr Weasley I will have to have a talk with Miss Granger…"

"What?! No you can't, she'll kill me! I'm the only one who's supposed to know, and if she finds out I've told someone then she'll never speak to me again!" Ron's voice was full of panic, and McGonagall's eyes were full of pity for him. The poor boy was trying to help his friend, but she wouldn't see it that way.

"Mr Weasley, I can't keep this quiet for you. There is a a serious problem concerning one of my pupils, and now that I know about it, I need to do something about it."

"Please Professor isn't there another way, when you talk to Hermione the finger will be pointing at me as to who told you, I mean I'm the only one who knows." Ron's eyes pleaded with her to find another way to solve the problem.

"Ok, I'll try my best to find another way around this that won't implicate you. You mentioned something about letters between the two of you, am I correct in assuming you kept these letters?" 

"Yeah, all of them, right from the beginning, but I'm not sure…" McGonagall cut him off from finishing his sentence.

"What would happen if a letter was to fall out of its place while an house elf was cleaning you room. They just happened to read the letter, and thought out of concern for the person involved that they should bring it to me." Ron's eyes widened at her suggestion.

"Then she couldn't blame me for telling anyone because it would be an accident, and that means she'd talk to me, and be able to get help." McGonagall nodded her head,

"So does that plan sound alright to you?" Ron quickly nodded his head. "Good well I suggest you get back to the common room Mr Weasley, Miss Granger could get suspicious as to where you've been." Ron once again nodded his head.

"Thanks Professor." McGonagall just smiled at him a he walked out of her door, once he left she strode over to the fireplace, and through some powder into it, the flames turned green, and she called,

"Albus, I need to talk to you about Miss Granger."

A/n: Ok that's all for this chapter, next one will be McGonagall and Dunbledore's conversation, and focus on Hermione more. It should be quicker update this time because I'm on half term, thank God, but I have exams coming up, so things will slow down with the updating thing.

Any way please review; I'm always chuffed to see people's comments.


	16. How can we have been so blind?

**I never meant to…**

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!

A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist, but I don't have to see him anymore so I could stop writing this but I find it helps a considerable amount.

Now I have to thank Herbie, Mione-n-Ron4ever and everyone else who have reviewed and said such encouraging things.

I would also like to thank coolchick207 for the extremely kind invitation of e-mailing her to talk about all this stuff. It's really kind of you to do that and I may take you up on the offer.

In answer to one of Herbie's questions is Ron based on any of my mates, yes he is. He is based on 5of them Steph, Manjit, Claire, Jennifer and Emma all of whom I owe a great deal of thanks to, for all there support and their friendship, and not giving up on me when I tried to push them away

I'd also like to make an apology for this really late update, O.K I finished my little thing on with the story.

"Albus, I need to talk to you about Miss Granger."

Dumbledore's head appeared in the middle of the glowing green flames, concern was written over his face as he saw his deputy headmistress pacing her office.

"Minerva, what's happened?" This caught her attention, and she sat down on the floor in front of the fireplace, and put her head in her hands,

"We've been so blind Albus, how can we have missed what has been going on for so long?" Suddenly a breeze filled her office as Dumbledore came to stand in the fireplace. The unhappiness of his deputy sitting on the floor was too much to handle, and so he crouched down and placed a comforting arm around her.

"What have we missed Minerva? What's happened to Miss Granger?" the twinkle in his blue eyes was slowly dimming. He knew that Hermione was her favourite student, though she'd never like to admit it to somebody, but the way she was behaving meant that something had severely shook her. Minerva lifted her head up to look at him, and he was troubled to see tears forming in her eyes.

"I had Mr Weasley in my office just, he informed me of Miss Granger's problem," Albus nodded his head for her to continue. "He thinks that she's suffering from an eating disorder!" The faintest sign of Dumbledore's remaining twinkle vanished, and McGonagall had to blink furiously to stop any tears from flowing.

There was a few minutes silence while what had just been said sunk into Dumbledore's mind, he squeezed McGonagall closer, and she in return leaned into him, and let herself be comforted by him.

Dumbledore couldn't get his head around what he had just been told, Hermione Granger with an eating disorder, it just didn't make sense. She was one of the smartest witch he knew, how could this happen to her? Surely she was bright enough to know the affects this would have on her body and school work, it just wasn't like the Hermione Granger he thought he knew.

"How long has this been going on?" he asked quietly breaking the silence that enclosed them. McGonagall reluctantly moved her head away from his chest and looked up at him.

"Mr Weasley doesn't have the exact time, as he hasn't thought to ask, but we do know that its been happening since around October at the very least." Dumbledore shook his head at her answer and she bowed her head. "I know its been happening for four months at the very least, and we've been to stupid to notice what was going on in front of us!" Once again her eyes were beginning to fill, and he pulled her closer to him to try and calm her down.

"Minerva, it's not our fault! We couldn't have done much to stop it; it's one of those things that happen to teenage girls. It's all psychological, they have the insecurity of their weight already in the head, and it just takes one thing to trigger it off! Did Mr Weasley tell you if anyone else had found out about it?" She shook her head in reply to his question, and turned her body to face him.

"What I don't understand is why Hermione? She doesn't come across as though she worries about her appearance, and she so intelligent you'd think she'd know…"

"Yes, you'd think she'd know what she was doing because she has such a high intelligence, but sufferers of eating disorders are usually like Hermione." Dumbledore interrupted, and once again silence filled the room.

"Do you know how you're going to handle this situation?" he asked quietly. McGonagall nodded her head that was once again resting on his chest.

"Mr Weasley has many letters from Miss Granger, he said he would give me one tomorrow if he could. I've planned to tell her that a house-elf found it, and was concerned for her well being when he read the note." Dumbledore nodded his head,

"That sounds like a good plan my dear professor, when will you speak to her?"

"After her next transfiguration lesson on Thursday, I hope Mr Weasley won't get into trouble for this, he's only trying to help, but his not sure she'll see it that way."

"Minerva, you know that this problem won't go away as quickly as it came don't you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Having a talk with Hermione won't solve it. We can't seriously help her if she is not ready and willing to admit that she has a problem. We can only really help her by watching her, and keep a close eye on her. She won't get better until she's willing to do so."

"I know I just wish that she could recover form it as quickly as it started, I know it won't work like that. Will the other members of the staff be informed about it?"

"We will see how we go, her grades are not detiereating, so she needs no excuse for that, however I think that if the situation insists on getting worse then they will be informed."

"What about Poppy, she should be told."

"Yes Poppy will be the exception then, I will inform her of it tomorrow, yes?" she nodded her head in reply.

"You do think that we'll be able to help Hermione don't you?"

"Of course we shall, the hardest thing will be to get her to willingly admit that she has a problem, once that has occurred she should begin to travel the path of recovery." Dumbledore gave her a small smile, and she too returned it. "We'll help Minerva I promise you that, I mean look at Mr Weasley, he has done so much for her all on his own, now with our help things may be able to move faster!"

Silence one again fell as both Professors begun their own thoughts of Hermione and how they'd be able to help they remained in their own thoughts for around an hour before Dumbledore made to return to his office. His sudden movement brought McGonagall back from her thoughts, and she slowly and reluctantly removed her head from his chest. 

"It is getting late my dear Professor, I must be heading of to bed" He let her out of his comforting embrace and stood up ready to leave. "Now Minerva, you get a good nights sleep, please don't allow this to keep you up all night, it does no good to worry, you know that don't you?" She nodded her head as she looked up to him, he crouched down and kissed her forehead, "Good night my darling Professor." He slowly withdrew and returned to his office through the fireplace.

McGonagall slowly got up from her comfortable position on the floor and headed towards her bedroom, once ready for bed she curled up tightly in her warm bed.

Hermione was up early the next morning, she'd been having trouble sleeping for a while now, but the night that had just passed, was the worst she had suffered. She had cried herself to sleep last night after another of her fights with Ron. However she hadn't remained asleep for long, as she proceeded to wake up every hour, and then taking her another 15 minutes to get back to sleep. Her quilt had been chucked off half way through the night because of her constant tossing and turning. She had finally given up with the idea of sleep at around 5.10am, and had sat up in her bed, surrounded by utter darkness; she didn't dare move around in case she woke her sleeping roommates. A loud snore came from the bed on her left, she had to suppress a giggle, maybe it wouldn't be that easy to wake Lavender after all. Slowly she opened the curtains surrounding her bed slightly so that a gap, big enough for her to peer through was made. She checked to see whether anyone else was up at such a time, and predictably she found that no one was.

She quietly slipped out of bed, hoping to miss any creaking floorboards, she made her way towards the bathroom, once in there she quickly turned the light on to avoid tripping over something, or stubbing her toes. However she couldn't avoid the pain the light brought to her eyes, and it took a while for them to adjust to the bright light. Once her eyes were focused she began searching the bathroom for something, she was on a mission to find the scales. She had seen tem only recently when Angelina Johnson had used them, and put them away. She'd seen where she'd put them as well, however her brain was functioning correctly at this time of the day, and so she was left to search for them. After a 15 minute search, she decided to give up for a few minutes and get real proof by taking a look I the mirror. This had become a daily thing recently, she had to look at herself at least once a day, she didn't know why that was but it had become compulsive. It was a strange thing really, she had become scared of looking in the mirror because of the image she saw, but she couldn't help it, she had to look.

She slowly approached the mirror, her eyes closed, not wanting to see the image she saw every day. The fat girl with fat arms, fat legs, a fat stomach, and a big bum! She slowly opened one eye and then the other. Once again that image came back. Why wasn't she losing weight? She wasn't eating for goodness sake, so why did she seem to be getting fatter. It just wasn't fair why did God hate her so much to allow her to be so fat!

In reality what Hermione saw was the complete opposite to what others would see. Her legs were thin, they didn't look as though they would snap like one girl's in her year, but still they were much thinner than they had been. Her arms were more or less skin and bones, with a little muscle still left in the top of her arm. Her wrist ha become terrifyingly thin, the round bone that stuck out on most people, was horrifyingly evident, and her watch was close to falling off of her hand. The bones in her neck stuck out, and were defined by the skin barely covering them and the hollow in her neck. As she lifted her pyjama top up to examine her stomach, her ribs were clearly visible. The two ribs at the bottom of her ribcage were clearly visible while she was breathing out, when she breathed in however three single ribs on each side of her chest were clearly evident. The stomach that she thought was fat had now become concave, the only things that really stuck out were her ribs and her hip bones that had skin pulled tautly over them.

Hermione slowly lowered her top, and she slowly sank to the floor. Why did God hate her so much to make her so fat? Why couldn't she be like Lavender, she was so thin, it wasn't fair. Why did she have to be the one who suffered why her, what did people have against her so much to cause her this pain? Tears began to form in her eyes, and quickly began to fall. She brought her knees closely up to her chest and wrapped her arms tightly round them. She lowered her head and began to cry quietly, she carried on crying until the sound of footsteps in the room next door brought her back to her senses. She quickly wiped her eyes and entered her dormitory. If anyone was to ask, her eyes were sore and she'd rub them too much causing the redness that surrounded them.

A/n: Ok that's all for this chapter, I just wrote that from around three in the morning, so I don't think its all that good, very tired but can't sleep, just like Hermione actually. Thanks once again to everyone who reviewed, I'm not going to stop writing this, it takes my mind of exams so you know. Updates will probably be a lot slower now because I unfortunately have to start revising for my wonderful exams that start the beginning of May.

Any way please review; I'm always chuffed to see people's comments, especially nice ones.


	17. Maybe you should see Madame Pomferey

**I never meant to…**

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!

A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist.

Now I have to thank Herbie, for reviewing every chapter I write, thank you very much for that, it's very encouraging.

Mione-n-Ron4ever I haven't stopped writing this story, but exams are getting really close now, and I haven't really picked up a book to revise and I have my French and Spanish speaking tests to prepare for, so the updates are going to be quite slow until the end of June when they all finish. Oh and thank you for all your reviews too.

I would also like to thank coolchick207 again, if you want, just click on my e-mail address and send us one. Really chuffed to hear about your counselling being cut down. I'm not going any more cause well he was not good I didn't like him. I go talk to one my teachers now, she's safe.

In answer to one of Herbie's questions is Ron based on any of my mates, yes he is. He is based on 5of them Steph, Manjit, Claire, Jennifer and Emma all of whom I owe a great deal of thanks to, for all there support and their friendship, and not giving up on me when I tried to push them away.

I'd also like to make an apology for this really late update, O.K I finished my little thing on with the story.

A knock on McGonagall's office door caught her attention away from the fifth year's essays she had been grading. She eased herself out of her comfortable chair and opened the door.

"Hello Mr Weasley, what can I do for you this evening?"

"I found an ideal letter for you to confront Hermione with, your still going to do it aren't you Professor?" His voice rose with slight panic at the thought of her forgetting the plan they had formed the previous night.

"Of course I will would you care to come in?"

"No thank you, I promised Hermione I'd meet her in the library, for a bit of revision in preparation for the OWLS just thought I'd quickly drop the note off, I mean the quicker you confront her the quicker she'll get better right?" Ron's voice sounded hopeful, and McGonagall could see the anticipation of his best friend returning to normal in his eyes.

"Well it won't be resolved straight away, but it should begin to move along quickly. I would like to talk to you about it though."

"Sorry, not right now, Hermione will kill me if I'm late for a revision session, you know what she's like about school and exams," he gave a quick wry smile.

"Well then Mr Weasley you better not keep Miss Granger waiting, I wouldn't like to get you into trouble after all." She gave him a small genuine smile, as he ran off down the corridor.

"No running Mr Weasley!" He quickly slowed down to a fast walk once the sound of her office door closing reached him he sprinted down the corridors and staircase towards the library.

As soon as she had closed her door she neglected her marking for a few minutes and settled herself into a snug red armchair, tucking her feet underneath her, and carefully unfolded the note she had been given by Ron.

26th December 2002

Dear Ron 

I hate it here; I want to come back to school now! You wouldn't believe how awful this Christmas has been! 

What's happened to make her feel this way about Christmas, most of the children adore this holiday what with all the presents they receive and the big family dinners they have. Oh I understand now, dinner.

I hate my family they wouldn't leave me alone. I had to eat yesterday, a whole Christmas dinner I had to eat. They wouldn't let me leave the table until everything on my plate had been eaten. My grandma was sitting opposite, and watched my every move throughout the whole meal, as did my grandad and cousin who had sat themselves on either side of me. I could feel their eyes on me, they didn't think I knew, but I could feel them watching me as I put a piece of food in my mouth. Do you know how conscious I was of what I was doing?

Well at least I know that her family are most likely to be aware of the problem, that's one letter that won't be as hard to write anymore. The poor child though, to feel like that towards her family when all their trying to do is look after her and make sure she doesn't do anything stupid. Its apparent from the sound of it that she's completely lost control over this problem. Why didn't I see this before?

It hurt so much Ron, it hurt my stomach, and it still hurts now. I could feel the food hitting the bottom of my stomach, and I knew instantly I was putting on weight. I could feel it happening! Every piece of food that went into my mouth meant that I was putting on weight. Do you know how depressing that thought was, I was putting all the weight on that I had worked so hard to lose. Its not easy starving yourself you know! You might not know that, but it really isn't easy. You have to ignore the temptation of food, because all it can do is make you fat, and yesterday I gave into that temptation. I feel so guilty and dirty. All that effort was in vain because of my family and their food!

I can't believe a 15-year-old girl can feel so much hate and pain towards food. I wonder how much damage she has done to her body. Poppy will have to give her a full medical to find out. I wonder if Albus has told her yet?

Its my family's fault, if they hadn't of made me eat, I wouldn't feel this way. They just want to make me fatter than I already am! Why can't they leave me alone? Why can't they let me get on with my life? They don't understand how long it's going to take me to get all this weight off again.

Why can't the child see what is going on? Doesn't she understand that they are only trying to look out for her? She's supposed to be a bright and sensible girl, but why can't she see through this? Why can't she see that this problem has completely took over the way she thinks, the way she feels towards other people and most of all her actions towards food.

I hate them I hate them all! I wish I were at Hogwarts with you and Harry; at least I'd have someone to talk to, instead of my family. My cousin kept looking over at me yesterday when she thought I wasn't looking. They must all think I'm stupid that I don't see these glances and looks I'm sent every so often by every member of the family. She looked as though she wanted to come and talk to me, but then she would decide not to. I don't know what she wants to talk about, no doubt it will come out today. Yep that's right their all coming round our house again today. See with our family, everyone comes round on Boxing Day for a buffet of all the left over food from yesterday. Won't that be fun! I have to eat again, oh what a joyous occasion Christmas is.

She truly sounds scared of the prospect having to eat. This needs to be sorted out soon, I'll have Albus look over this letter and consult him over how I should broach the subject to Hermione. God help me, this is going to be difficult.

Before I go thanks a lot for the present Ron, it was really sweet; I have to write a letter to Harry after this one. I hope you won your snowball fight against Fred and George, but I really have to go, their all coming round in half hour and I'm still in my new pyjamas. I'll see you soon, write back quickly, I don't know whether I will be able to cope with my family and food for another whole day before I begin to get stressed out! 

All my love

Hermione  (A/n: that's the whole of chapter nine, but it thought I'd insert it, so you could see the note Ron had given McGonagall and her thoughts.)

She carefully folded the note up once again and placed it into the pocket of her robe, she'd show Dumbledore at dinner for his opinion.

Dinner wasn't Hermione's favourite time of the day. She could see the plates of food that stretched down each of the houses tables. This food, all of it could and would and would make her fat! There was no question about it this could be her downfall. All she had to do was look at it, and a sour taste would rise in her throat. As she scanned the table, and the people sitting close to her, she could smell the food. She didn't need to taste it to know, that in her mind there was no doubt to how delicious that would taste. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Ron eating chicken drumsticks, the enjoyment of each bite shining in his eyes. She remembered the taste of them, and her eyes stared at them hungrily. Opposite her sat Harry and Ginny. Harry was tucking into his last few roast potatoes. They were another favourite of hers; there was such a contrast between the crunch outer skin, and the soft white potato inside. To the left of Harry sat Ginny, she had finished dinner and was now on desert. Hermione's favourite course, but then the most fattening. Ginny was eating a bowl of chocolate ice cream, with chocolate sauce piled on top. Hermione could feel the jealousy begin to build up in her. Why could Ginny eat that ice cream, without considering the fact that, that sweet flavoured pudding would make her fat. How could she do it didn't she know the consequences of what she was doing to herself, she'd have to live with those consequences when she became fat. The thought of becoming fat could not out weigh the idea of chocolate ice cream melting in her mouth.

Maybe a small spoonful wouldn't be too bad, I mean a spoonful couldn't put that much weight on surely. Half her mind was trying to persuade her to eat the ice cream, and her stomach was backing up the argument. However a larger part of her brain brought her back to her senses. How could she eat such a thing like that. She would ruin everything, she'd put even more weight on than she already had. She'd get fatter and fatter with each spoonful of such a vile thing.

A slight shiver went down her spine as she brought herself back to her senses. What had even made her consider such a stupid idea of even considering eating that ice cream. The sour taste of vomit rose back in her throat at the thought of all the food surrounding her, and that ice cream sitting in front of her. The thought of it touching her lips turned her stomach.

"Hermione, are you alright, you haven't eaten tonight?"

"What?" Hermione was brought of the conflict that was raging between the two sides of her mind by Ginny's inquisitive voice.

"I said are you alright, you haven't eaten. Are you feeling ill? Maybe you should go and see Madame Pomfrey."

"No!" Hermione had raised her voice slightly more than she had wished to, and her sudden outburst had caught the attention of the Gryffindor table, the head table and some of the students sitting close by. The Gryffindor table had come to standstill and all eye were looking at Hermione interested in what had caused her outcry. Ginny's eyes were wide in unbelief, trying to work out what she had said to cause her protest. She gave a quick glance to Harry who shook his head unknowing what was wrong. He gazed intently at Hermione expecting an explanation to be given soon. Hermione glanced out of the corner of her eye to see Ron. He was gazing at her with his blue eyes, she could see his worry flickering in them. She glanced up at the head table to see another hushed silence up there with all gazes concentrating on her. The twinkle in Dumbledore's eyes had vanished, and McGonagall's were narrowed with scrutiny

She felt the temperature in the room begin to rise, or was she beginning to blush? Why were they all looking? What had she done? Did she look fat? The paranoia was beginning to set in, with many eyes focused on her she began to feel quite conscious of her weight. She knew she was fat, they were staring at her because of her size. They were looking down on her, wondering why anybody could be so fat. Why did they have to look, why did they have to stare? She knew she was fat she didn't need their eyes to tell her what she already knew. She couldn't take it anymore she had to get away from those stares; she had to get away from it all.

Her chair scraped back as she stood up and fled from the hall, she managed to keep her tears hidden until she entered the entrance hall, only then did she let her tears flow freely as she ran towards the common room and her dormitory.

McGonagall was about to stand up to leave, and follow the distraught member of her house, but was stopped by a hand that was placed on top of hers. She looked to see Dumbledore incline his head towards the Gryffindor table, Ron had stood up and was following Hermione's path out from the Hall. McGonagall lowered herself back into the chair and felt Dumbledore patting her hand. Leave it to Ron for the minute you should follow later. Let him try and talk to her, she opened her mouth to protest but was stopped by the gentle squeeze of her hand, and the nodding of his head before they both returned to the food in front of them.

Hermione reached the portrait of the Fat Lady in no time at all, but by that time she was out of breath finding it hard to breath.

"Are you alright dearie?" She opened her mouth to answer, but she didn't seem to be able to form the words to answer her, so instead decided to nod her head. It took Hermione a few minutes to regain her breath to even be able to mutter the password, as an alternative she had slid to the floor leaning against the cold stonewall.

"Maybe I should go and get you some help," the fat lady offered

"No!" this time however her protest was weak and gasping. She lowered her head and rested it against her knees taking slow shuddering breaths, trying to ease the pain that was present in her chest with every breath took.

"Hermione?" The soft and reproachable voice of Ron bounced of the walls of the corridor. She slowly lifted her head to look at him.

"Go away Ron!" she told him in a weak and feeble voice. There was no feeling put into the demand and for once Ron could see a weak and helpless girl. He lowered himself on to the floor next to her and put his arm around her.

"Leave me alone Ron, I've already told you just go away!" Once again he ignored the request this time pulling her closer to him.

"What's the matter Hermione, why are you sitting out here?"

"She couldn't say the password"

"What?" Ron turned his head to look up at the fat lady who was watching the scene in front of her unfold.

"The poor girl was out of breath by the time she reached me, didn't have enough breath to tell me the password and you know the rules I couldn't let her in without her telling it to me. I offered to get her help but she refused it. Then she just sat down and began to cry again from the look in her eyes when she reached here."

"Come on Hermione, lets get you inside before people begin to arrive back from dinner, you don't want them to see you in this state do you? She shook her head and was helped up by Ron. He was surprised at how little effort he needed to put into pulling her up, she was scarily light.

Ron gave the portrait the password and helped Hermione into the common room and up the stairs to her dormitory. She got changed and crawled into bed, Ron left her to go and talk to Harry and Ginny.

"Are you sure she's alright mate?" Harry asked looking at Ron intently trying to find any hint that could tell him Ron was lying through his teeth.

"Yeah she's fine don't worry she's feeling a bit emotional at the minute, she hasn't really told me much but I think that perhaps we should leave her be for the minute."

"I still don't understand what I said to her to make her run out of the hall, I only asked whether she was alright, and if she wasn't feeling well she should go and see Madame Pomfrey." Ginny was on the verge of tears at having upset the girl upstairs so much. Harry placed a comforting arm round her.

"Don't worry Gin, Ron's already said she's feeling slightly emotional, the stress of the OWLS is probably getting on top of her, you know what Hermione's like when it comes to exams?" Ginny gave a shaky laugh at Harry's comment, Ron however saw it as a brilliant excuse, Harry didn't know just how much he had saved him from answering difficult questions that could arise from his sister.

"Harry's right Gin, Hermione's getting a tiny bit stressed out with these exams coming up, they're important to her, and I don't think she's getting much sleep what with studying late into the night" He seemed to have convinced Ginny with his little speech, but wasn't to sure on Harry, who was gazing at him. "I'm going to check on Hermione take a bit of chocolate to her." Ron explained quickly, and was on his way up the stairs when Ginny's voice called out.

"Ron will you tell her I'm sorry if I said anything to offend her" Ron smiled sadly at his sister and nodded his head.

"Sure I will Gin, but trust me none of this is your fault."

Ron slowly and as quietly as possible opened the door leading into the 5th year girls dormitory. He knew Hermione was the only one in there as he had seen the others talking to Seamus and Dean. He heard a sniffling come from Hermione's bed and saw a curled up ball underneath the blankets. He hated to see her like this; the sight he saw now was one he wished he would soon be able to rid from his memory sometime soon. One of his best friends was hiding underneath her bedcovers, hiding from the world, and crying he eyes out. He could see the jerky movements of her body as she cried and cried her heart out. He wanted to comfort her but he didn't no what to do he didn't no what to say. Part of him wanted to take her by the shoulders and give her a shake, trying to get her to see sense that what she was doing was wrecking her life. She couldn't go on like this she needed help, she was destroying her body and her life but she just couldn't see it. The other half however wanted to comfort her, to tell her that she wasn't fat and that he knew she would get through all this, but in all honesty he didn't know whether she would anymore. Had she gone to far down the track of self-destruction that she wouldn't be able to return?

Back down in the common room Harry and Ginny were having a conversation with Professor McGonagall

"Have you seen Miss Granger?"

"Yes she's upstairs in her dormitory, Ron's up there too" Ginny explained trying to hold back tears.

"Is he really?" 

"It's nothing like that Professor" Harry told her quickly before she could jump to conclusions. "His trying to calm her down after her outburst at dinner." McGonagall nodded her head.

"Yes I wanted to talk to her about that." She went to leave but was stopped by an outcry by Ginny.

"It was my fault it was all my fault!" McGonagall spun round on her heel to face Ginny.

"What are you talking about Miss Weasley?"

"I made her run out of the hall it was something I said to her" the tears that had been fighting to escape had succeeded and were now falling freely. Once again Harry's arm found its way around Ginny's shoulders, and McGonagall had to suppress a smile. She sat opposite Ginny and had her explain what she meant.

"I asked if she was alright because she hadn't eaten." The whole incident now slotted into place, she nodded her head at Ginny who took it as her cue to continue with the explanation. "Well I told her that if she was feeling unwell then she should see Madame Pomfrey."

"I take it she didn't like that idea." Ginny shook her head and Harry pulled him towards her. "I'll go and speak to her, but I'm sure that its not your fault Miss Granger is no doubt under a lot of pressure with the OWLS." Ginny nodded her head,

"That's what Ron said." McGonagall gave her a smile and headed up the staircase leading to the Girl's dormitory.

"Do you get the feeling that they all know something that we don't? Harry asked as McGonagall disappeared for sight.

"Don't be so paranoid Harry of course they don't."

Ron was standing by Hermione's bed still looking at the sight in front of him, the wreck Hermione had become. He felt a hand land on his shoulder and give it a gentle squeeze. He looked round to see Professor McGonagall standing next to him. She led him quietly out of the room, I'll have a talk with you soon Mr Weasley, but I think its time for me to talk to Hermione. Ron nodded his head and slowly headed back down the stairs to the common room, glancing back at McGonagall every now and again as he went. McGonagall entered the room silently her abilities she gained during her animagus transformation remained with her. She slowly seated herself on Hermione's bed. Hermione could feel the weight of someone sitting on her bed, and no guesses as to whom it was.

"Ron I told you already, go away and leave me alone!"

"Its Professor McGonagall Miss Granger, and I will not be going away, I think we need to talk don't' you?"

A/n: Ok that's all for this chapter, I just wrote that from around three in the morning, so I don't think its all that good, very tired but can't sleep, just like Hermione actually. Thanks once again to everyone who reviewed, I'm not going to stop writing this, it takes my mind of exams so you know. Updates will probably be a lot slower now because I unfortunately have to start revising for my wonderful exams that start the beginning of May.

This is my longest chapter ever, but that might be cause it contains another one, I'd love to have lots of reviews to keep me going through my revision and exams and also to keep me putting aside time to actually write this. God I really should be revising. Any way please review; I'm always chuffed to see people's comments, especially nice ones.


	18. I don't need any help!

**I never meant to…**

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!

A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist.

Now I have to thank Herbie, for reviewing every chapter I write, thank you very much for that, it's very encouraging.

Mione-n-Ron4ever I haven't stopped writing this story, but exams are getting really close now, and I haven't really picked up a book to revise and I have my French and Spanish speaking tests to prepare for, so the updates are going to be quite slow until the end of June when they all finish. Oh and thank you for all your reviews too.

I would also like to thank coolchick207 again, if you want, just click on my e-mail address and send us one. Sorry to hear about your set back. I had one not so long ago, really bad, and my friends went into 'help mode' as well. Then I ended up having massive row with them all because they went and got me help. I am so glad they did though.

Big thanks to MouseBrat, I'm fine like I said did have a little set back that stopped me from updating for a while but please feel free to e-mail me at its_amy_louise_darling@hotmail.com

Thanks to shylakola thanks for saying all that nice stuff, its cool to hear that it might have helped you understand it all a bit more.

Thanks to my 5 mates who are the basis of Ron, Emma, Manjit, Claire, Jennifer and Steph all of whom I owe a great deal of thanks to, for all there support and their friendship, and not giving up on me when I tried to push them away.

You might notice that I use eating disorders a lot throughout this chapter, and I'm sorry for repeating it so much but I don't actually like saying anorexia or anorexic I think its scares me a little just don't like those words.

O.K I finished my little thing on with the story.

"Ron I told you already, go away and leave me alone!"

"It's Professor McGonagall Miss Granger, and I will not be going away, I think we need to talk don't you?

Hermione tried to ignore the Professor sitting on the edge, hoping that if she took no notice of her she'd go away. They remained in silence for five minutes, to Hermione's dismay the weight did not shift, but was beginning to become impatient.

"Miss Granger this is not the time to be playing silly little games, I have a need to talk to you, and I do not wished to be ignored!" The message was loud and clear to Hermione her Professor wasn't going anywhere however long she tried to overlook her presence.

Professor McGonagall could feel a small amount of slow movement as the curled up figure began to stir. She saw the figure begin to uncurl and slowly move towards the pillows from the middle of the bed. She gradually sat up, careful to keep the covers hiding her face. Only when she sternly called the girls name did she peek over the duvet. The appearance she saw of this girl was a total contrast to the girl she was used to seeing. Instead of the headstrong proud and somewhat confident girl she knew, she could only make out the vulnerable little girl she had become. Her eyes were all swollen and red from what could only be considered as a vast amount of crying. Her eyes were still full of un-fallen tears, as well as black streaks of mascara. Her face was drained of all natural colours, she could see only patches of foundation and powder, and they had obviously been rubbed off in her distress. They were no doubt an attempt to cover her lack of skin colour. Her cheekbones were far more prominent than she had noticed before, signifying a great weight loss from the girls face; she wondered how the rest of her body would have been affected.

Hermione slowly uncurled from her ball and began to sit up clutching the bedcovers as she did so. As she peeked over them to look at her stern Professor, she was surprised to see a look of sympathy and care. She could feel her eyes taking in her image, and she couldn't help but wonder what a state she must have looked. While the Professor scanned over her face Hermione couldn't help but stare at her, and once the Professor had finished her scan she to gazed back at Hermione.

"What was it you wanted to talk to me about Professor?" The strain in her voice was evident as she tried to keep it from wavering. The Professor gave a stern look, indicating that Hermione should have known what the talk was about.

"Miss Granger…" However it had clicked in Hermione's head that she must have been there because her small scene in the Great Hall

"I didn't mean to make an outburst at dinner, I'm just under a lot of stress with the OWLS coming up, and Ginny just kept asking me questions and I just wanted to eat in peace!" Hermione was quite pleased with how her explanation had just gone. She'd been able to lie without preparing any of it. Nevertheless she couldn't miss McGonagall's look. She stared over the top of her glasses in what seemed to be slight disbelief.

"You wanted to eat dinner peacefully?" Hermione's head snapped up and glared intensely at her. Shit, McGonagall mentally cursed maybe that wasn't quite the correct way to put it.

"What do you mean by that Professor?" Hermione's words came out a little to harshly than she had meant, and McGonagall looked quite taken aback. Think Minerva think you need to involve this letter from Ron.

"Well Miss Granger one of the house elves came across quite an interesting piece of paper while cleaning the fifth year boys dormitories." Hermione's face became colourless as she took in what she was being told.

"What was on that piece of paper?" Hermione couldn't help the small hesitation in her voice.

"I have it right here with me, you are welcome to take a look." McGonagall slowly pulled out a folded piece of parchment and handed it to Hermione. She took the note from the Professor, and McGonagall couldn't help but notice the shaking hands Hermione had now developed.

Hermione carefully unfolded the note, scared of what its contents maybe. This was it she'd been found out for sure, they were going to try and stop her. They were going to take away the only control over her life she had left. Why? Why did they have to become involved? She should never have told Ron. This was his fault. This was his entire fault she was going to loose everything all because of him, and his so called caring.

She scanned the note, recognising her handwriting. She looked at the date 26th December. God she remembered this day well, the pain of having to eat two meals in two days, God did she pay for giving into temptation. She'd put on weight that week, she couldn't remember how much, but it had set her back a bit. She had to work extra hard that week not eating for 6 days to make up for her failure and lack of control. She glanced over the letter. The feelings of hate towards her family came flooding back as she remembered the stares as she ate, the glances to check she was all right. How she had hated being under examination for those two weeks. She glanced up and saw Professor McGonagall studying her face for a reaction.

"How did the house elves get this?" Hermione demanded, her voice once again far different from what she had thought it would sound like.

"They found it lying on the floor next to Mr Weasley's trunk, not knowing what it was or whether it did actually belong to Mr Weasley, they read the note and then brought it straight to me out of concern." McGonagall was quite surprised at how relaxed she had managed to keep her voice. Hermione was seething her eyes bore into McGonagall trying to find any trace of lying, but could not find any.

"They had no right to read a private letter!" Hermione's voice had once again become the strong and confident voice McGonagall was use to. The anger she was feeling was clearly expressed through it.

"They did not know that it was private, and did not know of its contents, but when they did they brought it straight to me as I have already said. Now Miss Granger is there anything you would like to tell me to explain the contents of this note?" McGonagall took the letter from Hermione's hand, folded it back up and returned to her pocket, making a mental note to return it to Mr Weasley as soon as possible.

"I don't really think that it has brought up a subject to discuss"

"Miss Granger do not act like a fool. You are a smart girl, and you know what that letter implies, now would you like to tell me about it?"

"I'm sure I don't understand what you're getting at Professor…"

"Miss Granger don't try and be ignorant to this. You know very well what that letter implies, and if I have to spell it out to you then I will. This letter gives me reason to believe that you are suffering from an eating disorder." Once again the colours from Hermione's face visibly drained.

"I…I..."

"Now I would like to talk to you about it, and this time it isn't a request Miss Granger!"

What would you like me to say Professor, where do you want me to start?"

"How about we start from the beginning, when did this all begin?"

"When did it all begin, that's quite a hard question to answer. I think it was at the beginning of summer, but then I don't really remember it that much. It isn't that bad you know."

"What do you mean its not that bad, do you remember what you wrote in that letter or do you need a few quotes to jog your memory." McGonagall withdrew the letter quickly and unfolded it, ready to read a few chosen references.

"No I remember what I wrote, but it isn't that bad, I don't understand why people won't listen to me when I tell them that there is no problem, and that I am completely under control of what is happening." McGonagall's eyebrows rose in disbelief. "What? I know what I'm doing, there is no need for anyone to get involved in this. If you all left me alone to get on with my life then I'd be fine, and so much happier."

"Miss Granger if we left you alone to get on with your life then, I some how doubt that you would be around much longer."

"That's a slight exaggeration Professor, you have to do far worst than I do to get into that sort of situation. I mean I am perfectly fine thank you very much."

"Miss Granger 10% of anorexics die, you could be one of those 10% if you do not cease to stop this." Hermione's eyes narrowed in anger.

"I am not, I repeat not anorexic, why do people assume this. I know whose put this idea into your head its Ron isn't it. I should never have told him anything this is all his fault if I hadn't have wrote those stupid letters to him than no one would have been involved, I could have been left alone in peace, left alone to get on with things!"

"Miss Granger I did not hear this from Mr Weasley, and do I have to point out to you that you are a very lucky to girl to have a friend like him. He obviously cares about what you're doing to yourself to notice what was going on and to write you letters. Miss Granger I strongly advise that you do not try to push away the help myself and Mr Weasley are trying to give to you."

"Help!" Hermione flung the bedcovers off the bed and stood up to face McGonagall. "Help! You're trying to help me by trying to take over this situation. The only situation I myself am in control of. I don't need yours or Ron's help I am perfectly capable of getting on with my life without help. I'm not going to let you, Ron or anyone take over this, it's my only control and I won't give it up easily!"

"Miss Granger how can you insist that you are in control of this situation when it is clear that you are not. Listen to yourself your isolating yourself from everyone, including Ron. How can you possibly believe that you are in control? I strongly request that you put some careful consideration into what your doing and the consequences that will arise from pushing those who are trying to help you away!" McGonagall got up to leave and Hermione stared at her retreating back.

"I don't mean to" Hermione whispered. McGonagall spun round on her heel.

"What was that Miss Granger?"

"I said I don't mean to push people away, I just don't need their help!"

"Is that need  or want their help?"

"Both I suppose, look Professor I know your only doing your duty as a teacher and my head of house, but I'm fine. I don't need, or want any help I am in control of what I'm doing, I just need to be left alone without any interference." McGonagall looked at her, she was fighting a losing battle she was not going to admit to this, but something was going to have to be sooner rather than later.

"Miss Granger I can't admit that I know what your doing or even why your doing it, but I would like to make it clear that I am not offering my help just because it is as you put it my duty. I am genuinely concerned about your health, like Mr Weasley is no doubt. However I cannot force you to accept my help. I do however hope you will consider the outcome of what you will end up doing to yourself. The effects that have already taken place are quite clear to me, nevertheless they seem to have completely passed you by. If you ever feel you need to talk Miss Granger, you know where I am, just don't resist the help your friends offer you, just think what will happen when they give up on you." McGonagall turned on her heel and left Hermione alone in the silence of the room, leaving her to contemplate what she had just said.

McGonagall walked back to her rooms trying to shake off the image of Hermione. The skin and bones that had made up her body, that was all she was skin and bones. The vest top that had been part of her pyjama set , drowned her out. It did show off her ribs, each rib prominent in their own right. The skin was pulled so tightly over them she could make out the shape of them. Her shoulder and collarbones, had been the same. The bones near her throat had a sharp edge to them, with the skin pulling on them. Her shoulders were small and bony, that led to her tiny arms and wrists. She no longer had any muscles on her arms, and her wrist, well how the girl was keeping her watch and bracelet on were a complete mystery to her. Her hipbones had stuck out from her pyjama shorts. She'd noticed that they had been pulled to they're tightest. Her legs were, well they were basically non-existent, little sticks that looked as though they could have broken at any movement they had to endure. The girl looked ill, yet she couldn't see it and she had done such an admirable job at hiding it throughout the day. She had reached the entrance to rooms in no time at all, and was quite surprised to see Dumbledore sitting next to the fire when she arrived.

"Cup of tea Minerva?"

"Oh err… yes please Albus." Dumbledore busied himself with the teapot that was sitting on the coffee table next to him. She mad her way over to the chair next to him and seated herself down accepting the cup graciously. "Wh…"

"I'd gathered you had gone to visit Miss Granger when I called round earlier. There was no answer, I hope you don't mind that I made myself comfortable"

"Oh, of course I don't you know I don't mind you popping in. How long have you been here?"

"Around 15minutes, how did your talk go with Miss Granger?"

"Well it could have been a lot more productive than it was, I somehow don't think I've managed to get her to see sense. She is most adamant that there is no problem and that she is in complete control. It was plain to see that she was not but she just doesn't seem to accept it." Dumbledore noticed the tears that had begun to well up in his deputy's eyes and produced a handkerchief from his top left hand pocket. She accepted it and dabbed at her eyes. "I'm sorry I know I shouldn't let myself get so involved, but she's a bright girl Albus, and she has such a promising future ahead of her."

"You have every right to become involved Minerva, she is one of your precious lions, as I used to put it." McGonagall gave a small weak smile at his comment. 

"What can we do to help her though Albus. She's not going to take it willingly she's already told me that."

"There is very little we can do until she is ready to face up to the fact she has a problem."

"Albus we can not leave the girl to her own devices. She will continue to starve herself, we can't allow that to happen!"

"We are aware of the situation as it stands. If Miss Granger is unwilling to get better, then all the help we would give her would be in vain. The girl needs to want to get better until the help we give begins to work."

"Surely your not suggesting we leave her to get on with this. If only you had seen her Albus, you would have seen what a wreck she was. She looked so, so helpless and vulnerable. There was very little left of her only made up of skin and bones. We can't allow this to go any further!" Once again McGonagall's eyes had begun to fill at the memory of the skeleton her student had become. Dumbledore reached for her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. Surprised at the amount of desperation present in her voice.

"We won't allow it to go further, but you must understand Minerva that we cannot help her to fully recover until she accepts that she has a problem. All her effort into overcoming this predicament must be used. She must want to get better, otherwise there is little that can be done."

"Well what do you suggest we do? Watch her starve herself until she is ready and willing to see a problem"

"No I do not mean that, I have said already that we shall not let this go any further. We need to make her realise the damage she is doing to her body and life." McGonagall stared at him allowing the words to sink in.

"How exactly do you expect to get the girl to do that? She has completely lost control. If only you had heard her talking, it wasn't the Hermione I knew. It was something else. She seemed to be rationalizing the whole idea of starving herself. She kept repeating the idea that she was in control, it sounded as though she thought that the more she repeated it, the more I would believe what she was saying." Dumbledore nodded his head, and squeezed her hand sensing she was beginning to become saddened again.

"That's what happens Minerva, the eating disorder takes over her, and her mind would be full of mixed emotions, her normal feelings conflicting with those of the eating disorder. Unfortunately as you no doubt will have noticed the eating disorders feelings overpower her regular ones, taking control of the situation, but allowing Miss Granger to think that it is she who is in actual fact in control. In answer to your previous question on how we should get her to realise she has lost control, well I'm not sure of the answer yet, I'm sure we'll figure one out sooner or later." McGonagall nodded her head slowly and gave him a small smile. She gave a quick dab at her eyes, and offered him his handkerchief back. He quietly refused, curling her fingers around it and pushing it towards her. He gave a soft smile and straightened herself up.

"I'm sure you didn't visit me just to talk about Miss Granger now, did you Albus?"

"Well there was an idea that had popped into my head today, what do you think to the idea of a Easter Ball?"

A/n: Ok that's all for this chapter. The Easter Ball's going to play a big part when I get round to writing it. I can't decide whether to write a few hints of romance, not sure, tell me what you reckon. Thanks once again to everyone who reviewed, I'm not going to stop writing this, it takes my mind of exams so you know. Updates will probably be a lot slower now because I unfortunately have to start revising for my wonderful exams that start the beginning of May.

I'd love to have lots of reviews to keep me going through my revision and exams and also to keep me putting aside time to actually write this. God I really should be revising. Any way please review; I'm always chuffed to see people's comments, especially nice ones.


	19. I can't handle this anymore Hermione

**I never meant to…**

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!

A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist.

Now I have to thank Herbie and Mione-n-Ron4ever for reviewing every chapter I write, thank you very much for that, it's very encouraging.

I would also like to thank coolchick207 again, if you want, just click on my e-mail address and send us one. Sorry to hear about your set back. I hope your OK. its_amy_louise_darling@hotmail.com

Thanks to shylakola thanks for saying all that nice stuff, it's cool to hear that it might have helped you understand it all a bit more.

Thanks to my 5 mates who are the basis of Ron, Emma, Manjit, Claire, Jennifer and Steph all of whom I owe a great deal of thanks to, for all there support and their friendship, and not giving up on me when I tried to push them away.

I just got my first flame from some bloke called Dave. Now I can't decide whether it was one or three, I couldn't really understand his third.

I should actually be revising for my English Literature exam tomorrow, but well, you cant really revise for it, so I thought I'd do something more productive with my time. Lets all hope I don't fail.

O.K I finished my little thing on with the story.

A knock on the fifth year girl's bedroom awoke Hermione from her thoughts.

"What?" she hissed.

"It's me Hermione, I need to talk to you." The recognisable voice of Ron whispered through the door.

"Oh I suppose you've come to offer me your help now have you. I don't need it you understand me I don't need yours or anybody's help just leave me be!"

"Hermione, open this door!" he waited for an answer but all he got was silence. "Hermione are you listening to me?" Silence was once again the answer he received. "Hermione I'm going to come in now whether you like it or not we need to talk."

"Talk about what?" she barked through the door.

"Talk about what's going on with you. Why Professor McGonagall spent the last hour up here."

"Oh you want to talk about that do you, want to come and confess what you've done to me!"

"Confess? What are you talking about?" the tone of his voice suggested a complete bafflement.

"You betrayed me Ron!" The statement was hissed in anger, yet the hurt was still evident in her voice.

"I what? Hermione I'm not prepared to have this talk through a wooden oak door!" The door swung open with anger, and he came face to face with Hermione. Her eyes were narrowed with hate, all of her dislike focused solely on Ron.

"You betrayed me Ron, you went running to McGonagall when I specifically asked you to keep everything I told you to yourself." Ron stared at her; both eyes were locked in anger. Neither ready to back down to the other.

"I betrayed you! How dare you Hermione, how dare you excuse me of that!" his anger now matched Hermione's, he couldn't believe she was thinking these things. He hadn't betrayed her, he'd got her the help she needed, he hadn't betrayed her had he?

"Oh come on Ron, there is no way you would have left one of my letters just randomly lying around. You gave it to her didn't you? I know what you did don't treat me like I'm stupid."

"How can I not treat you like you're stupid, I mean look at what you're doing to yourself and you can't even realise the damage your doing. I mean what's the point Hermione? I try and help you, I try my God damn best, and all you do is push me away. You excuse me of betrayal, because someone else has twigged onto what your doing. Well you can forget it Hermione, I've had enough, I can't deal with this anymore."

"What do you mean you can't deal with this anymore? You're not doing anything. You're not the one starving yourself, worrying about how much weight your going to put on with one spoonful of ice cream. You have know worries, you don't have to deal with anything!"

"I have nothing to deal with? I have a big problem to deal with" she raised her eyebrows at this statement. "I have you to deal with, I have to watch you, making sure you don't go to far, try and help you even though you insist on pushing me further and further away!"

"Have I ever asked you to watch me? No I don't think I have. Have I asked you for help? The answer to that once again is no, I don't want your help Ron, so you needn't be worrying about me anymore."

"You don't want my help? Fine you won't get my help. I'm fed up of it every time I try and help you out, get you to see sense, you push me away. Well that's it, you've gone too far this time. I give up, I admit defeat, I can't help you Hermione, not until you admit there is a problem! I just give up." He stared into her eyes, and slowly turned and walked back to the common room.

The door slammed shut on his retreating back and Hermione lent against it slowly sliding down, to sit on the floor. That was it she was on her own now, just her. She know longer had anyone trying to help her. She could carry on; she'd be allowed to do what she wanted to her body, and when she wanted. She no longer had anyone watching every step and mouthful she took. She had been released from the constraints she had endured with having Ron around trying to help. She should be feeling happy, she was free to get on with it, no one trying to take over, but why did it feel as though her whole world had come crashing down. She didn't have Ron anymore; he'd given up on her. She should be happy about it, but instead she felt for the first time lonely. She had no one she could confide in. He'd walked out on her and she'd finally managed to push him away. She'd fulfilled her aim, but now she felt empty and lonely, with no one around to care for her. What was she going to do? She needed Ron more than she'd ever care to admit. He'd been around looking after her; he'd noticed things before anyone else had. Why did she have to be such an idiot? Why had she allowed him to walk away from her? 

Hermione gathered herself up from the floor and returned back to her bed. Crawling underneath her covers she pulled her legs to her chest and allowed the tears to flow freely. What surprised her the most was the reason she was crying. It wasn't the fact that McGonagall now knew what was going on, and was bound to try and stop her, but the fact that she had probably lost her best friend. That was what she'd done, she'd lost him now, and he wasn't coming back. She looked around, the duvet cover blocked out all light this was her world now. This was all she had a lonely and dark existence, no Ron, no nothing, she was alone in the world.

As Ron returned to his dormitory he went over in his mind what had just occurred between himself and Hermione, he'd left her; he'd left her all alone. He shouldn't have lost his temper with her; if it had kept his cool then maybe he'd still be in there talking to her. Instead he had let all the frustration that had been building up over the past year out. He had let it all out in one stupid argument and now he'd lost her. He knew it was all his own fault. If he hadn't of shouted at her and told her he'd had enough she might have accepted an apology, but he knew Hermione, she wouldn't accept it, not after he'd shouted and lost his temper like that. She wouldn't forgive, she'd let him in and told him nearly everything, but he doubted he would every regain that trust.

He entered his dormitory, glad to see that the rest of the 5th year boys, were down in the common room, he lay on his bed staring up at the ceiling. Why did he have to be such an idiot? He knew he shouldn't have pushed; this was bound to happen sooner or later. If he hadn't tried to pressure her into admitting she had a problem then maybe this wouldn't have happened. If he had kept his mouth shut and let her carry on without interfering then maybe they both would still be friends. A small voice argued back with his reasoning. If he hadn't of involved himself then he wouldn't have been able to help her at all. They would all still be oblivious to what she was doing to herself and how badly it was affecting her. He'd helped her by making others aware of the problem. He'd thought it would all be solved and that maybe she'd be grateful for what he had done. Why did it make him feel so guilty? He hadn't really helped, he'd caused a rift between the two, and it looked as though he'd lost her friendship forever. He'd lost his Hermione, and he didn't know what to do to regain her back.

Hermione entered the Great Hall for breakfast the next day, her head hung low, concentrating on her feet as she moved towards the Gryffindor table. She sat next to Ron opposite Ginny, and helped herself to cornflakes. She could sense Ron looking at her through the corner of his eye, but neither looked at each other. Keeping most of their attention on the food in front of them, and the rest on each other's actions. Ginny and Harry exchanged glances at the lack of communication between their two friends. They were not the only two to notice, as up at the head table, the Headmaster was pointing out their change in behaviour to Professor McGonagall. Both watched them carefully, while quietly discussing the possibilities that may have occurred.

"They've had an argument, that's plain to see," explained Dumbledore while spreading butter across his piece of toast.

"Your extremely observant Albus, you know that don't you?" Dumbledore only smiled in return to his Deputy's sarcastic comment. "What do you thinks caused it though, she was upset last night, but I didn't see Mr Weasley after I left. You don't think his given up do you?" A crunch was the reply that came from the man sitting next to her. "Albus!"

"Sorry, I'm hungry! It is very likely that she's managed to push him away, I mean it must be quite frustrating for Mr Weasley he can't reason with her, and she is out of control." Dumbledore returned to breakfast taking another piece of toast, and applying a thin layer of butter.

"He can't allow her to push him away! She'll have no one to talk to apart form us, she needs him, why can't she realise it?" Dumbleore place the buttered slice of toast in McGonagall's hand and began his reply while she ate the slice.

"We've been through this before Minerva, frequently, she is no longer in control, she has to fight with the illness to gain any rational thought. Now if you wouldn't mind tapping that glass of yours, I have a small announcement I'd like to make." 

The tapping of Professor McGonagall's glass goblet chimed throughout the Great Hall, silencing the students gathered. All attention was focused on the Headmaster who had risen from his seat.

"I'd like to make an announcement this morning, that will concern an event that will be taking place during the Easter Holidays. Now last years Yule Ball, as those in the 5th year and above will remember was a great hit, and myself and your fellow teachers have decided that we will recreate the Ball this Easter." Cheers rose from the elder students who had been present at the Ball that was held last Christmas. Excitement shone in the eyes of the younger years, a smile was even brought to Hermione's lips as she raised her head to look at the Head Table. Once again the chime of McGonagall's goblet echoed throughout the Hall signalling silence.

"The Ball will take place on 21st April, and will be attended by all students of all years. Dress robes must be worn, and the Ball will be chaperoned by us." He signalled to the line of teachers sitting at the head table. As he sat himself back down, the student's voices broke out in excited chatter at the prospect of the up and coming ball. Ron noticed Harry and Ginny in deep conversation in front of him, in glanced a look at Hermione, whose face was full of disgust as she stared at the half eaten bowl of cereal before her. Ron lent slightly towards her,

"You can stare at it as much as you like, but you can't make it go away." He whispered quietly, so only she could here. Her head spun around to face him; she picked her spoon up, and loaded large spoonfuls of cereal onto it. Loading the rest of the cereal into her mouth in a dramatic display. All she received from Ron was the rolling of his eyes and a shake of the head; he turned his attention back to his plate of beacon.

"Ron?" Harry's voice caught his attention he looked up and smiled.

"Yeah Harry?"

"You wouldn't mind if I went to the Easter Ball with Ginny would you?" Harry's voice was tentative, waiting for an immediate no to be the reply.

"Its up to you, I can't say I particularly mind," his reply was met by a strained hug from his sister across the table.

The rest of the day passed slowly for both Hermione and Ron, neither had spoke to each other since the small scene at the breakfast table. Fortunately for Hermione Transfiguration wasn't on their timetable today and Hermione had successfully managed to avoid McGonagall for the day. She had taken to locking herself in her dormitory in attempt to avoid her friends, mainly Ron though. Having been in her room for most of the evening she felt like some fresh air, it had begun to get quite claustrophobic and she made her way down to the Quidditch pitch where the Gryffindor team would be practicing. As she made her way towards the stands she had not been expecting to meet the one person she was trying to avoid most.

She silently sat behind him, but he had already heard her footsteps had she walked behind him. The uncomfortable silence surrounded them for a couple of minutes while both watched the practice that was taking place above them. The silence had become too much for Ron though, and he felt it was time to break it.

"Hello Hermione" it was a simple greeting that was not worth taking his eyes away from the players.

"Ron" his name was the only reply he received, she was obviously not willing to make the effort, but he however could not allow the silence to continue.

"How have you bee today?"

"Fine" neither Both Hermione nor Ron would remove their eyes from above to look at each other, instead focusing their attention exclusively on the movement above them.

"Have you eaten today?"

"Yes!" Her one-word answers were beginning to become quite irritating now, and she was taken by surprise when his body spun round to face her.

"This is stupid Hermione, don't you know how to string a full sentence together?" His question was received with a glare. "Look Hermione I know I'm not your favourite person right now, but well what happened it wasn't my fault."

"Wasn't your fault? You left me Ron, I had no one to talk to, and I know it wasn't for long, but well I missed you. You weren't there for me when I needed you." He climbed over his seat and took one next to her, placing his arm round

"I am so sorry Hermione, I didn't mean to leave you, I just couldn't cope anymore, I can't bare to se you doing this to yourself. Do you know how much it hurts to watch one of your best friends deteriorate in front of your very own eyes, knowing that there is nothing you can do to help her? All you can do is watch, trying to get her to see sense. It hurts me to see you like this Hermione." Tears began to roll down her eyes, as she buried herself into his shoulder. He could hear her muffled sounds of her cries. She lifted her head to look at him; her brown eyes glistened from the tears that were still rolling down her cheeks.

"I missed you so much Ron, I didn't realise how much I relied on you until you went. I shouldn't have pushed you away, I'd been warned about it and ignored those warnings and continued to do so. Part of me said that I should have been happy that you had gone, it would allow me to continue, but the rest of me argued back. Without you I realised how lonely my world had become, and I don't ever want to feel like that again. Please promise me that you won't go, promise you won't let me push you away again. I don't know what to do without you. You're the only one who realises and understands what is going on."  Once again she buried her head into his shoulder, but he slowly moved it to face him. He gently swept the tears from her cheeks, and looked into her eyes.

"I promise you Hermione, I promise with all my heart that I will never, and I mean never leave you again, and I certainly won't allow you to push me away again. I missed you so much; I couldn't focus my attention on anything, because you always slipped into my mind. I couldn't allow myself to leave you again Hermione, I promise you that." She flung her arms around his neck, and held on like he was her last lifeline. He returned the hug with as much enthusiasm. When they finally pulled back, Ron gave her a small kiss on the forehead, and she into gave him a grin, his arm had still remained around her shoulder, and she in turn made herself comfortable, resting her head on her shoulder, she felt his arm tighten around her. Their attention returned to the players flying above them, silence surrounded them once again, but this time it was a comfortable one.

"Hermione, would you be my date for Easter Ball?" Ron's question broke the silence, and a small grin appeared on her face as she kept her concentration on the players.

"I'd love to be Ron." A smile appeared on his face to match Hermione's, and he gently place a kiss on the top of her head, and once again both turned their attention above.

A/n: Ok that's all for this chapter. The Easter Ball's going to play a big part when I get round to writing it. Thanks once again to everyone who reviewed, I'm not going to stop writing this, it takes my mind of exams so you know. I think this will be the last update until after the 21st June, because my wonderful G.C.S.Es have begun, but half term is next week and I maybe able to write the Easter Ball then, but I have science exams coming up, and I need to get As in them to get back into school, so it all depends. Oh the joy of exams!

I'd love to have lots of reviews to keep me going through my revision and exams and also to keep me putting aside time to actually write this, I mean I should be revising for English Lit tomorrow and Spanish Reading and Writing Thursday. God I really should be revising. Any way please review; I'm always chuffed to see people's comments, especially nice ones.


	20. The Easter Ball

**I never meant to…**

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!

A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist.

Now I have to thank Herbie for reviewing every chapter I write, thank you very much for that, it's very encouraging.

I would also like to thank coolchick207 again, if you want, just click on my e-mail address and send us one. I hope your OK; I haven't heard from you in a while, hope everything's ok.  its_amy_louise_darling@hotmail.com

Thanks to shylakola thanks for saying all that nice stuff, it's cool to hear that it might have helped you understand it all a bit more.

Thanks to my 5 mates who are the basis of Ron, Emma, Manjit, Claire, Jennifer and Steph all of whom I owe a great deal of thanks to, for all there support and their friendship, and not giving up on me when I tried to push them away.

I also want to say how sorry I am for the long, long delay in this update, I finished my exams at the end of June then went away for a week with my mates. I've also had a few setbacks and really haven't felt up to writing.

O.K I finished my little thing on with the story.

The Night Before the Easter Ball

"So Hermione, are you going to show me this dress or not?" asked Ginny. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." Hermione raised her eyebrows to this statement before erupting into fits of laughter.

"I'm not going to even comment on how bad that sounded." Ginny grinned in return to Hermione's remark.

"Oh come on Hermione, I really want to see this dress of yours."

"OK, but lets see yours first." Ginny scrambled up from her place on the bed and hurriedly left the room to collect her dress. When she reappeared she was greeted with the sight of Hermione sitting at the top of the bed, her back resting against the headboard, with an open book resting against her knees.

"Hermione!" She jumped slightly at the call of her name, and reluctantly closed the book.

"Sorry Gin, I was getting into this," she explained holding up the book before placing it on the bedside table.

"So what do you think?" asked Ginny holding the dress up to her body. The dress was an immaculate white dress with thin string like straps that proceed down her back in a criss-crossing like manner. The neckline was a cowl neck that would show a bit of flesh, but still remain respectable. The length of the dress was a reasonable length, just skimming past her knees. Hermione sat gaping at it. "Well what do you think?" Ginny asked tentatively.

"It's, it's, oh my God Ginny it's gorgeous, you're going to look absolutely lovely." Ginny began to gradually blush at her comments, until her face had become just a shade lighter than her hair.

"Well come on show me your dress." Hermione slowly got up from the bed and headed towards her trunk.

"It's nothing compared to yours" she explained as she found the object she was looking for. She slowly and carefully lifted a blue dress from the trunk. The dress in question was of a periwinkle blue, with only one strap made of a chain of flowers, that travelled from one side of the dress across to the back of the dress's opposing side. The dress it self was a fairly straight cut that would reach Hermione's ankles. It was of a simple yet elegant look and cut.

"You're going to look beautiful Hermione. Oh I really can't wait until tomorrow night now, I'm so excited aren't you?" Hermione nodded her head while Ginny continued talking hurriedly about the approaching Ball. "…And can you believe Harry asked me? I was so thrilled when he did, and you and Ron, its, well its just great!" Ginny's voice had begun to get higher and higher with every sentence, as her excitement built up. Hermione smiled at the comment about her and Ron. She liked that, her and Ron. She was brought back to Earth with a far away voice bidding her a goodnight, she herself automatically whispered a goodnight to Ginny, before stowing her dress away careful, and snuggling into her bed.

"So Harry you lokking forward to the Ball tomorrow night? I mean you're taking my sister and all." Ron asked as he began to sort out his bed covers.

"You're not going to give me a lecture about going with Ginny are you? I did ask you, and you said it was fine!" Harry's voice held a hint of evident amount of worry and exasperation.

"I know I did, and no I'm not going to give you a lecture, I was just making a bit of conversation about tomorrow night." Harry let out a sigh of relief a bit too early. "Now that you mention it though, make sure Ginny has a good time. She's your responsibility for the night so make sure she has fun. You may be my best mate Harry, but she's my little sister." Ron muttered the last sentence to himself, but it was just loud enough to be heard by Harry. In return Harry saluted Ron mockingly, and was quickly hit by a flying pillow followed by the phrase "Shut up Harry!" Harry grinned and climbed into his bed.

"Are you looking forward to dancing with Hermione?" There was a hint of teasing and amusement in his tone when he asked his question.

"Are you trying to imply something Harry?" Ron's question received a quick shake of the head. "Then in that case, of course I'm looking forward to Hermione, she's one of my best friends and…"

"So she's nothing more than a friend?" Harry swiftly interrupted.

"I knew you were trying to imply something like that when you asked me the first question." He received a wide grin from the green-eyed boy in the next bed to him. "Anyhow even if what your implying was true, I wouldn't be telling you now, would I." Ron turned away quickly, hoping to hide the blush that was gradually shading his face, but Harry saw the tips of his ears beginning to turn red.

"I knew you liked Hermione as more than just a friend. It was so obvious last year when you had that huge argument with her because she went with Krum." Ron visibly stiffened at the mention of Viktor Krum's name.

"Look I'm going to this Ball as Hermione's friend, and her friend only. I have no intention on becoming anything more to Hermione than her friend!"

"Just because you have no intention doesn't mean you don't want to" Harry promptly replied.

"You know what Harry, if I had another pillow I could spare, you'd have had it thrown at your head by now. At this very moment I'm going to close my eyes and go to sleep, you should do the same." Harry nodded his head at this, and followed Ron's instruction, lying down and closing his eyes slowly driftin off to sleep.

"By the way Harry, don't even think about becoming more than a friend to Ginny!" Ron whispered into the darkness, his warning was greeted by silence, and a small smile.

"Knight to E5" was the command that echoed around the room of Professor Minerva McGonagall. The room was surrounded by silence, with the only words being spoken, being command for the two players, Minerva McGonagall and Albus Dumbledore's chess pieces. The two companions sat in a comfortable silence facing each other. Minerva had her feet tucked under her, and both hands were wrapped around a cup of hot chocolate, one of Albus Dumbledore's favourites. Albus was leaning over the chessboard carefully studying the position of each players pieces, trying to figure out Minerva's strategy, every once in a while a small pop, would indicate the need for another sherbet lemon.

"Albus?"

"Mmmm…" he replied, peering over the top of hi half moon spectacles.

"What exactly gave you the idea to host an Easter Ball this year?" Albus gave an intense, and a twinkle came into his eyes as he replied.

"To have the wonderful opportunity to dance with you Minerva." His reply was met with a raised eyebrow, and his stare was matched with a similar one over the top of her rectangular glasses.

"I meant the real and serious reason for this."

"That was the real reason, but if you want a serious one, well I thought it would be a break from the children's studies, especially with the 5th and 7th years OWLS and NEWTS approaching. The imposing threat of Voldermort was another, I mean these children won't be able to have this sort of fun soon, but those were the second reasons, with the first being able to dance with you of course my dear." The twinkle in his eyes had appeared, and his gaze slowly moved down to check the state of play. To his dismay he noticed that there was nothing left of his pieces, but his king and a castle, glancing up, he saw the radiant smirk on Minerva's face. He threw his hands up in defeat, "Don't say it Minerva, I already know."

"Don't say what?" she asked feigning innocence. "You mean don't say checkmate? Or the fact that you've lost?" her grin grew larger with each question, and his reply was a bright gleam in his eye and a broad smile. He eased himself out of the chair, and made his way towards the door, Minerva followed to show him out.

"Goodnight my dear Professor." He planted a soft kiss against her cheek.

"Goodnight Albus." He turned and began his way towards his own chambers. Minerva went to close the door, but was stopped by the sound of his voice travelling down the corridor.

"Minerva, don't forget to save me a dance," he called over his shoulder. She smiled to herself and closed the door to her rooms silently

Night of the Easter Ball

With two hours before the Ball was due to start, Hermione felt that maybe it was time to start getting ready. Lavender and Parvati had been up in the dormitory for the previous two hours, and she was hoping that by now they might have nearly finished. She closed her transfiguration textbook and vacated her comfortable red armchair.

"Where are you going Hermione?" Ron asked glancing up from the zooming pictures of wizards on brooms.

"I need to go and get ready for the Ball, or had you forgotten that it was taking place tonight" she replied. Ron opened his mouth to say something, but she was already half way up the girl's staircase.

Before she even entered the dormitory, she could hear the giggling of Lavender of Parvati, from the sound of it they were yet to finish their transformation. She quietly opened the door hoping to slip in unnoticed, however she was unable to achieve that aim.

"Hermione! Where have you been? There's only two hours left, it's going to be such a rush, let us help you." Lavender squealed as she noticed Hermione's reflection in that mirror.

"You know what Lavender, I'll think I'll be able to manage on my own, but thanks for the offer." She removed her dress from its place in the trunk, and retreated into the bathroom, catching a few whispered complaints between Lavender and Parvati.

As she entered the bathroom, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, the image was there again, she looked fat, she still looked fat. Why was she still looking fat? She didn't eat regularly and this week leading up to the Ball, she had put a special amount of effort, having eaten nothing but fruit for the past seven days. With these facts in her head she could still not figure out why on Earth she was fat. Surely by cutting out food, she should have lost the weight, but no not her. Everything always had to go the opposite way. She stops eating, and gets fatter and fatter every time she does so. She slammed her palms against the mirror and screamed, repeatedly hitting the glass mirror. The banging and scream attracted the attention of Lavender and Parvati who were outside the door as quickly as possible.

"Hermione? Is everything all right in there? What's that banging?"

"I'm fine, don't worry Parvati. I just dropped something, I've been a bit clumsy all day and that just tipped the iceberg " she quickly explained. Her explanation was met with a chorus of ohhhs from the other side of the door.

"We understand, the run up to the Ball has this affect on some people, if you need us just call" Lavender offered.

Hermione sank to the floor, her head in her hands, her shoulders began to shake, as she felt her eyes begin to fill with tears. You can't do this, Hermione thought to herself. Don't let it get to you, not tonight, tonight is just you and Ron, you can't let this ruin it.  Call through the door signalled that she had been sitting against the mirror for an hour; silent tears had gradually rolled down her cheeks leaving a trail. With an hour left to go, she picked herself up from the floor and wiped her eyes and cheeks. She grabbed the dress she had hung up, and preceded to get changed.

She stepped out of the bathroom to find that both Lavender and Parvati had left; she took one last look in the mirror before leaving the dormitory. The periwinkle dress clung to her tiny figure, yet in her eyes it made her look fatter. She disregarded the image and descended the stairs; nothing was going to ruin this evening. Ron, Harry and Ginny met her in the common room. Ron gazed at her.

"Hermione, you look err… really nice" he stumbled with his words.

"Thanks Ron, so do you. Ginny you look beautiful, and Harry you're looking very handsome tonight."

"Thanks Hermione, you look lovely too" Harry replied quietly, his eyes quite wide with shock.

"Would you care to accompany me the Easter Ball Miss Granger?" Ron asked as he held his arm out.

"I'd love to Mr Weasley!" Hermione replied, playing along. She looped her arm through Ron's and both proceeded down to the Great Hall. Harry and Ginny, who were having a private discussion of their own, followed them.

"Gin? Am I the only one who thinks that Hermione looks err… well…?"

"Ill?" Ginny finished for him. "Yeah I agree, she's, well I don't know what's happened, but she's so thin. Did you see the bones sticking out of her neck? She's wasting away, what's happened to her?" Ginny's voice held a hint of exasperation, and her eyes shone with worry. Harry shook his head,

"I don't know Gin, I really don't know what's happened to her. She looks so thin, it can't be healthy." Harry whispered as they entered the Great Hall. Ron and Hermione had already seated them selves at a round table, and Ron was waving them over.

The Great Hall had been magnificently been decorated this year, most likely it was Professor Flitwick who had produced the decorations. The tables were small round ones, which seated four to a table, a candle sat in the middle acting as a light. The food was to be ordered like last years Yule Ball, through the menu. Ron had ordered pork chops, while Harry had a plate of fish and chips in front of him. Ginny had started with her lamb hotpot while Hermione still debated over her choice.

"Hermione, just pick something, Harry and Ginny are giving you funny looks" Ron whispered out the side of his mouth.

"I don't want to eat, I'm not hungry!" was her whispered reply. Her voice rose as she placed her order for a bowl of soup. She smiled across the table to Ginny who was yet to turn attention back to the meal sitting in front of her. Hermione played with her food for quite a while, dipping her spoon into the bowl, and then bringing it out again, before letting the soup fall back into the bowl. She received a nudge in the ribs, after about the tenth time of doing this action.

"Ow!" she mouthed to the offending person.

"Eat your soup then, don't play with it," Ron whispered.

"Is everything alright Hermione? You don't seem to have eaten much of that" Ginny commented, as she looked from Hermione's face to the bowl of soup, which contents still remained.

"I'm not really hungry Gin, got a bit of a stomach ache at the moment…"

"I wonder why?" was the comment she heard being muttered from the side of her. Ginny however appeared not to have heard the comment and carried on. 

Maybe you should get Madame Pomfrey to look at you."

"No, no it's fine it will have gone by tomorrow I'm sure." Panic had risen inside of Hermione at the mention of taking a visit to the school nurse, she only hoped she had managed to keep the panic out of her voice. Ginny cast a worried look across to her friend.

"Well if your sure Hermione, but…" The taping of Professor McGonagall's glass calling for the pupil's attention cut Ginny off. The Hall quietened immediately and Professor Dumbledore stood up.

"I hope you have all enjoyed tonight's wonderful selection of food." Hermione noticed him look her way at this; she turned her head away from his gaze. "As I see you have all finished, I think it is time for the dancing to commence. If you would all like to stand." The staff and pupils alike stood from their seats, and with a wave of his hands, the tables and chairs had all removed themselves to the side of the hall, leaving a vast amount of space for the students to dance. "I would like to introduce your band for the evening, The Weird Sisters!"  The applause for the band got louder and louder as each member appeared on the stage, they picked up their instruments and began to play.

"Would you like to dance Ginny?" Harry asked, his face held a healthy pink glow to it, at this question. She nodded her head, and took his hand as he led her onto the dance floor.

"Well what about you Hermione, fancying dancing?" Like Harry the tips of his ears had begun to redden. Hermione smiled in return and also accepted his hand leading him on to the dance floor. On the other side of the room, Professor Dumbledore had followed his two students actions, and was now dancing with McGonagall, he kept his eye, on Ron and Hermione from where he was dancing.

"Albus what are you looking at?" McGonagall asked trying to follow his line of view. He looked down and smiled at her.

"Mr Weasley and Miss Granger over there." McGonagall looked over and nodded her head.

"Yes they both seem to be enjoying themselves tonight, I'm glad their argument didn't last long. It certainly looks like he stayed true to his word when he said he wouldn't let her push him away." She heard him mutter a yes, and when she turned to look at him, the twinkle in his eye had returned. He gazed down at her with a faint smile on his face. Her face showed a confused expression.

"Have I told you how beautiful you looked tonight?" he whispered, a red colouring started to rise in his cheeks. A tap on the arm and the muttering of

"Oh, Albus, you're such a flatterer," met his question.

As the night drew on the livelier dances, had Hermione more than slightly worn out, come on Hermione, I think we should sit this one out. Ron led her by her arm over to one of the chairs against the wall.

"Are you alright Hermione?" She nodded her head in return; her breathing had become shallow and quick. "I'll be back in a minute, I'll get you a drink." Ron rushed over to the punch bowl, while Hermione sat in the chair leaning back, and resting her head on the wall.

"Are you alright Miss Granger?" signalled the presence of Professor McGonagall who had taken Ron departed seat.

"Yes I'm quite alright thank you Professor, just need to catch my breath." Hermione felt McGonagall's eyes scan her over.

"Well if you're sure Miss Granger. How are you enjoying your evening so far?"

"It's wonderful thank you Professor, I'm really enjoying it, and Ron's been looking after me all night."

"Yes I've noticed where's he gone now?"

"His over there talking to Professor Dumbledore by the punch bowl." She pointed over to Ron and the Professors gaze followed the movement of her hand.

"Miss Granger may I ask you a question?" Hermione nodded her head, hoping that it may just have something to do with schoolwork, but felt that, that hope may have been in vain. "How are you coping Miss Granger?"

"Coping? Coping with what exactly Professor?" she knew what the answer was going to be; there was very little need in asking the question.

"Coping with your eating Miss Granger? You look lovely tonight," even if unhealthily thin McGonagall thought to herself. "Its just that I noticed you hadn't been eating for a while, and I was wondering whether you had still been unable to solve your eating problems?"

"Like I've said before Professor I don't really have any eating problems, I'm quite ok if you don't mind. If you must know however I've been suffering the odd stomach ache, and it gets worse when I eat. Therefore if I've been terribly suffering one day, I may skip the odd meal." Her explanation was met by a stern glare, and she noticed that McGonagall's lips had become increasingly thinner as her explanation continued. "I really should be getting back to Ron Professor, thanks for the err… chat." Hermione fled before McGonagall could stop her, and dragged Ron on to the dance floor. Professor Dumbledore who was carrying two glasses approached her; he handed a glass to her and took Hermione's vacated seat.

"Did you have a nice chat?" he asked innocently. He received a glare over the top of her glasses and decided to stay quiet and just drink his drink.

"Would you like to dance Minerva," he asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had fallen over them. A small smile broke out on her face as she turned to him.

"Albus you have already fulfilled your reason for hosting this dance, you only mentioned one dance." A twinkle had surfaced in hers, and Dumbledore couldn't help but grin.

"Yes Minerva, that was one fast dance, I still have not received my slow dance." She smiled in return and accepted his offered hand.

With little over half an hour left,  the band had decided that the rest of the night would be dedicated to those slow romantic songs for the audience. As Hermione stepped into Ron's arms, she felt a shiver pass through her. She was so relaxed in this position. She suddenly felt Ron tense up; she looked into his eyes and followed his line of view. The glare he was giving off was aimed at his little sister and best friend. Ginny had wrapped her arms around Harry's neck, and he in turn was holding her gently at the waist. Her head was rested on his shoulder; a small grin was evident on her face as e whispered something into her ear.

"Ron, leave them alone they look happy. She's not a child anymore, she's perfectly capable of looking after herself you know." He slowly nodded his head and looked down to Hermione. His body relaxed, and he pulled her a little closer to him, squeezing her as he did so.

"You know what Hermione, I'm not sure what I'd do without your sensible reasoning sometimes." Hermione laughed and rested her head on Ron's shoulder. As the one song progressed into the next the dance floor seemed to fill with more and more couples.

"Hermione?" Ron whispered, she picked her head up to look at him, her vision blurred for a few seconds, before returning to normal when she lay her head back on his shoulder.

"Yes Ron?" Her head was beginning to spin, she felt light-headed.

"I don't know whether I told you this tonight, but I just want to say that I think you look absolutely beautiful." He lowered his head and gave her a soft kiss on her forehead. Hermione's smile grew to a grin, at Ron's words, but also trying to mask the pain she was feeling. Her had was spinning, when she opened her eyes the images around her would blur instantly. Her legs were beginning to waver, not being able to support her for much longer they gave way. Hermione fell into blackness and emptiness.

Ron felt Hermione's body slump in his arms. Her head lolled back from its place on his shoulder.

A/n: Ok that's all for this chapter. I said the Easter Ball was going to play a big part and I think it kind of has. Thanks once again to everyone who reviewed, I'm thinking of writing one last chapter to this story, and then writing a sequel that deals with Hermione recovering or something. I'd love your opinions on whether I should do that, because I don't really want to make this story a big long mission if you know what I mean. The next update should be quite soon but I have to do prep work for my A-levels this summer and add to that I'm having a family holiday to Italy I'm going on Saturday, on my 16th birthday, I'm so happy about that, hopefully though the next chapter should be really quite easy and quick to write. Ginny's dress is one that I would like, but well I'm not allowed it, and Hermione's dress is based on Kate Winslet's Oscar 2002 dress, that I would also like, but can't afford it. Any way please review; I'm always chuffed to see people's comments, especially nice ones, lets see if we can make it 105 reviews.


	21. I Promise

**I never meant to…**

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, unfortunately!!!

A/n: This is a story really close to home for me, so I'd be pleased if no one flamed, as its kind of well its based on what's happened to me, I was advised to do this by my psychotherapist.

Now I have to thank Herbie for reviewing every chapter I write, thank you very much for that, it's very encouraging.

I would also like to thank coolchick207 again, if you want, just click on my e-mail address and send us one. I hope your OK; I haven't heard from you in a while, hope everything's ok.  its_amy_louise_darling@hotmail.com

Thanks to shylakola thanks for saying all that nice stuff, it's cool to hear that it might have helped you understand it all a bit more.

Thanks to my 5 mates who are the basis of Ron, Emma, Manjit, Claire, Jennifer and Steph all of whom I owe a great deal of thanks to, for all there support and their friendship, and not giving up on me when I tried to push them away.

I also want to say how sorry I am for the long, long delay in this update, I finished my exams and got great results if I do say so myself. I also lost my grandad on 13th October 2003, and that has caused a great setback in my whole eating thing. I'm quite determined now however to get much better, because he always told me how upsetting it was to him to see me like that. So I've decided I'm going to get better for him. Also please check out my new story, 'It feels like a Dream', that's about my grandad's death.

O.K I finished my little thing on with the story.

"Hermione? Hermione?" his voice getting louder with each call of her name what was happening why wasn't she responding to him. He didn't know what to do so he gently lay her down on the floor. People had gathered round them in a circle by now. Ginny and Harry were at his side. The circle of on lookers was broken by the teachers streaming into the middle McGonagall and Dumbledore at the front. As Ron cradled her head, Professor McGonagall crouched beside him to see the condition Hermione was presently in. To Ron, the whole occurrence was a slow blur, the only thing he could focus on was that of Hermione, lying in his arms, her breathing shallow, and in a state of collapse. The professors had gathered together, and were being instructed to lead their students back to their common rooms as quickly as possible with the aid of the prefects, while Madame Pomfrey was made aware of the situation at hand.

"Hermione, Hermione can you hear me?" Ron slightly shook her body. He turned to look at his Professor crouched on the floor, "why isn't she answering?"

"I don't know Mr Weasley, Madame Pomfrey will be over in a minute, they'll be moving her to the Hospital Wing and assessing the damage caused." Ron nodded his head; quite surprised to see his Professor's eyes begin to fill with tears. As Madame Pomfrey approached he gripped onto Hermione slightly more. Professor Dumbledore conjured up a stretcher, and he and Snape, managed to carefully remove Hermione from Ron's grip, and place her on it. While she was floated out of the Great Hall, Professor McGonagall escorted Ron to the Hospital wing, closely followed by Harry and Ginny.

Dumbledore lifted Hermione delicately on to a vacant hospital bed, and before Ron had even entered the room, Madame Pomfrey had whipped the curtains around the bed for some privacy while assessing her patient. Five chairs were placed near to the fireplace on the other side of the room, which Dumbledore gestured fro Ron, Harry and Ginny to take. They did so, seating themselves opposite Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore.

"Could someone explain to us what is happening? Why's Hermione lying in their practically unconscious?" Ginny voice was beginning to rise with panic at the thought of her friend. Ron turned his head away, and stared to look into the flames of the small fire that had only been ignited.

"It seems that Miss Granger, is not her normal self at the moment…"

"Yes Professor that is quite plain to see, but is there a certain reason that would explain this?" Harry asked cutting off Professor Dumbledore in desperation to hear as quickly as possible.

"As I was saying Mr Potter, Miss Granger has been experiencing some problems with her self image, and therefore eating habits." Realisation quickly dawned on both Ginny's and Harry's face, as the image of Hermione in her dress tonight resurfaced.

"How do you know about this Professor?"

"It was brought to my attention by Professor McGonagall…"

"That's why you spent so long in the dormitory that night" Ginny exclaimed, once again cutting Dumbledore off

"Yes Miss Weasley, however it was brought to my notice by Mr Weasley." Ron turned his head to the sound of his name, and looked questioningly at his Professor.

"Ron? Why didn't you say anything to either me or Harry?" Ginny asked quietly.

"What? What do you mean?"

"I mean," Ginny's voice began to rise. "Why didn't you inform me or Harry of what was happening? Why did you keep it a secret from the both of us? Perhaps if we had been informed we may have been able to help."

"Look Ginny, she tried to keep it a secret from everyone, she wouldn't even admit to herself for Gods sake, do you think she'd actually let me come out and tell both you and Harry?" Ron's voice had also risen to a high volume, rivalling that of Ginny's. "I mean, I got into enough trouble when I told Professor McGonagall, she didn't talk to me. Do you know how hard it as for me to sit there and watch her deteriorate, knowing that there was nothing I could really do?"

"Mr and Miss Weasley, if you do not lower your voices, and stop disturbing my patients, you will both be asked to leave until you can control those tempers of yours, do you understand me?" Poppy Pomfrey's head had popped out through the gap in the curtains, and had raised her voice loud enough to overcome both Weasleys.

"Yes Madame Pomfrey was the small quiet reply whispered in unison, as both bowed their head, and each pair of ears began o slightly redden.

"Look Gin, I had to watch one of my best friends put herself through so much pain, and hurt because she thought she was fat, do you know how hard that was? How hard it was to watch her weaken down to the person she's now become. I mean did you see her, did you see what she looked like, she's not even a shadow of her former self, and I had to watch her become that being able to do absolutely nothing, but sit and watch." Tears sprang to Ginny's eyes as she watched her brother cover his face with his hands the anguish he was feeling apparent from his actions.

"I'm sorry Ron, I really am sorry. I shouldn't have snapped, but…"

"I know Gin, I know, bit of shock isn't it. You'd never of thought this would happen to Hermione, she's the…"

"Sensible, levelheaded one," Harry continued cutting off Ron. "The one who always helped us escape trouble.  If we think about it, without her we probably wouldn't have even lasted our first year here. She's so clever and knowledgeable, why on Earth didn't she see what she was doing to herself?" Harry, who had remained quiet for some time, had finally released some of his despair. 

"Mr Potter, as I have already said to Professor McGonagall, who asked a similar question to yours. As time goes on Miss Granger would have begun to lose control over what she was doing. The illness itself begins to control not only her mind but also her actions. It switches off her hunger, and implants the theory that any food eaten would make her put on weight, and in her view fat. She would not see herself as becoming thin, in her mind she would still be 'fat' although that wouldn't necessarily be the image others were seeing." Harry just nodded his head at his headmaster, his explanation slowly sinking in.

"Minerva, could I speak to you for a minute" Madame Pomfrey requested as her head once again came around the drawn curtains. McGonagall nodded in answer and vacated her seat and stepped behind the screen. The conversation outside came to halt, each person trying to listen to the conversation, taking place on the other side. However all that could be heard were faint whisperings between the two women, and nothing more.

"After a few minutes had passed both women reappeared on the other side of the screen, and were immediately accosted with questions.

"Can I see her?"

"Is she awake?"

"Will she be ok?"

"Children please, no Mr Weasley you cannot see her yet, so would you please sit back down in your chair. Yes Miss Weasley she has awaken, but Madame Pomfrey has given her a sleeping potion, as we have discovered she has had many restless nights. Mr Potter, she will be ok, but we will need to give her time to fully recover. Now Professor McGonagall will quietly repeat that of which I have discussed previously with her, I will be in my office if I am needed." Madame Pomfrey departed, leaving McGonagall to explain what had happened to Hermione, and what would need to be done in order to allow her to recover.

"Miss Granger has suffered many physical problems from the action of not eating. It appears her stomach has shrunk to a considerably small size, as well as damaging her stomach lining, this explains the pain she experiences when eating, however it will take a while to begin to repair and return to normal. Madame Pomfrey has also discovered that her immune system has suffered greatly due to mainly vitamin and mineral deficiency, so at the precise moment, she is at a high risk of catching the flu, or something of that likeness. Madame Pomfrey is also carrying out to tests, on Hermione's heart rate, and blood sugar levels."

"She's damaged her body that much?" Ginny asked, disbelief written on her face. "How? I mean I know how, but surely that much harm could have occurred."

"I'm afraid Miss Weasley, depending on the seriousness of the case, Miss Granger could have caused far more damage, that could have resulted in her death. However we have been lucky enough in this situation to prevent that from happening." Ginny's mouth formed an 'oh' shape at Dumbledore's words.

"I think it would be best if the three of you went back to the common room, Miss Granger won't be waking tonight, but I'm sure Madam Pomfrey will allow you to visit her when she's awoken in the morning." Both Ginny and Harry nodded their heads, and stood from their chairs. Ron made no movement, and preceded to look into the orange flames of the fire.

"Ron?" Harry asked quietly. Silence met his call, until both he and Ginny were ushered out of the room by Professor Dumbledore, who escorted them to their common room.

"Mr Weasley? Are you all right?" Ron turned his head to his Head of House sitting in the chair opposite him.

"I'm sorry Professor I just don't know what to do." McGonagall moved from her chair, next to the chair previously occupied by Harry, next to Ron.

"I know Mr Weasley, but…"

"I feel so guilty, I should have done so much more. I could have helped her more than I did. I should have tried much harder to persuade her she wasn't fat. I should never have allowed it to go this far. I knew what she was doing, and I just sat there and watched. I did try, but obviously not harder enough. Maybe if I had been more persistent and made sure she ate at every meal, she might not be in this situation. I feel as though I'm half to blame for the condition she's in. I'm so sorry I didn't seek yours or Professor Dumbledore's help sooner. Perhaps if I had you may have been able to help her before it got out of hand. I was too stubborn, I thought I could help her, just me, but I didn't think it would end up like this. I'm so sorry Professor, I let her down, and I didn't mean to, I just wanted to help." Ron's head was bowed, his hands covering his face in anguish at the thoughts buzzing around his head. He felt an arm go round his shoulders, and heard the soft accent of his Professor.

"Mr Weasley, there is no reason you should feel in any way guilty. Everything you did was done in Hermione's best interests, and in no way can anyone fault you in the way you went around it. You coped so well with the situation, and endured so much from her. You have to understand that no matter how early myself or Professor Dumbledore had been informed of what was taking place, there would be little we could have done to prevent this from happening. From what I understand Miss Granger had already begun to lose control, when you yourself found out. If anyone was in the wrong it was me I should have noticed beforehand, and taken some action against this as soon as you told me. So please Ron don't blame yourself, you did everything you could have, and no one can say otherwise!" Ron turned his head to look at his Professor, and was slightly surprised to see her eyes brimming with tears.

"Thanks Professor" he whispered just loud enough for her to hear.

"Now come along Mr Weasley, you should be back in the common room, there is no reason for you to sit here tonight, she won't awake till the morning." McGonagall rose from her chair, and was copied by Ron, as he followed her out of the Hospital Wing towards the Gryffindor common room.

Ron had awoken at 7am the next morning, had been in the Hospital Wing for an hour, before Hermione began to stir. Her eyes began to flutter open, opening warily to the bright sunshine that was streaming through the long window opposite her bed.

"Hermione?" Was the tentative sound of Ron's voice that met her ears.

"Hi Ron. You all right?"

"I'm fine, you?"

"Not bad, sorry the end of last night wasn't exactly as either us planned."

"It doesn't matter Hermione, I'm just glad your ok, and their going to help you get better." Hermione smiled back to him, until his words sunk in, and brain processed what he had just said.

"What do you mean help me get better? I don't need to get better I'm fine!" Hermione's tone had begun to raise, her voice still sounded throaty, from her sleep.

"Please Hermione, lets not start this,  you and I both know you need sorting out, they're not going to allow you to continue all this you know. You gave everyone such a shock last night. You blacked out, collapsing in my arms. Do you realise how scared I was, I didn't know what to do." Hermione ducked her head in embarrassment.

"I'm sorry Ron, really I am, but you can't take this away from me…"

"I think you'll find we can Miss Granger, you gave us all quite a fright as Mr Weasley has already said." Professor McGonagall had entered the conversation that she'd been listening into at the door, Professor Dumbledore, who had managed to persuade Harry and Ginny to give them an hour with both Ron and Hermione, followed her.

"Good morning Miss Granger, its nice to see you awake, Madame Pomfrey will be bringing you some breakfast shortly." Dumbledore told her in a cheerful, blue eyes twinkling happily.

"Break… breakfast?" Hermione blanched. "I never eat breakfast."

"I know Miss Granger, but we need to start you on at least one meal. What would you prefer two slices of toast to begin with, or a lamb chops for lunch or dinner?" Madame Pomfrey asked as she entered the ward holding a tray that contained three plates of toast.

"Well I'd prefer neither," this comment received a stern glare from both women in the room. "But I suppose if I HAD to choose it will be the toast, but all three plates aren't for me are they?"

"No Miss Granger, Mr Weasley hasn't had his breakfast this morning, and neither has Professor McGonagall. Now I'd like to see all of that eaten when I come back." Madame Pomfrey handed a plate to each of the people in need of breakfast, and murmured something into Professor Dumbledore's ear, that she was unable to hear.

She looked at the two pieces of toast sitting on the plate in front of her. Each slice had butter spread over them that was at this moment slowly melting due to the heat. The thought of the food made her feel sick, her stomach turning at the thought of eating it.

"You don't have to eat it all at once Hermione, you can take your time." Professor McGonagall suggested seeing the disgusted look on her students face.

"I can't, I can't eat this, it hurts my stomach, and just look at the fat dripping off of it."

"May I suggest you eat it slowly, it may cause less pain, but you must eat it Miss Granger, we can not experience another night like last night." Hermione looked at her teacher.

"Go one Hermione, please for me?" Hermione turned to look at Ron, the pleading look on his face made her give into the demand, and slowly she teared the corner of a slice of toast. Once again her stomach flipped, but she slowly raised it to her mouth, fully chewing the toast before swallowing. The first taste had always been the worst, and this was no different. Her body began to crave more, more toast, more anything, she needed some more food. Taking another corner of toast she began to readily eat.

"Miss Granger, slow down, the faster you eat the more stomach pains you will experience," Dumbledore recommended. Hermione nodded her head, accepting the advice. Her mind was telling her two different things. One side was telling her how good it felt to be eating something, and that by eating breakfast, she was likely to still lose weight, due to speeding up her metabolism. The other half however, began to argue louder and louder than the other voice. The guilt that came flooding back to her, as she ate the food. Everything she'd worked for, all the time and effort she'd put in to her attempt to become thin. Starving had worked slightly, she was still fat, but living without food made her happy. She felt better without it, and now here she was greedily eating this toast. In a sudden movement, she threw the plate and remaining slice of toast to the floor.

"No!" I can't do this!" The anguish had risen to a scream.

"Hermione, calm down, you need to get better."

"Don't you see, I don't want to get better, this is my life this is what I do, it makes me happy. I don't need food, when I have food, it just depresses me. Without it, I feel happy, I feel more like myself. You can't take this away from me, I won't let you!" Professor Dumbledore had stood, and bent down to speak to Ron.

"Come with me Ron, we've had an idea we'd like you to hear." Ron nodded and followed his Headmaster out of the room, taking one last glance at Hermione, before shaking his head and walking away.

Hermione, and McGonagall sat for a few minutes in silence, before McGonagall felt the need to break it.

"You know his only worried about you, we all are Hermione, Ron doesn't want to see you hurt yourself, like you are. His watched you deteriorate, and his stuck by you, but believe me when I say there is only so much that boy can handle. You need help Hermione, and we're offering it you why won't you accept it?"

"No one seems to understand, I can't except help because I don't want it. I need to be thin, and until I achieve that I'm going to carry on whatever anyone says. Once I reach the right size, I'll stop, because I'll want to stop. If you'd all leave me to get on with it then, I would have achieved my target far quicker by now." McGonagall looked at her student before giving out an exasperated sigh.

"Hermione, I don't know how to get the fact that you are already thin into your head. In your head you may be fat, but in reality you're shockingly thin, and no matter how much you want to carry on, I am unable to let you. If you do begin to try and get better, more drastic actions will be taken in order to see you get onto the road of recovery. Would you like to be force-fed? Have a teacher follow you to the bathroom, checking you don't make yourself sick." Hermione's eyes widened at her suggestions. "No I didn't think you would Miss Granger, just think about it." A knock interrupted the conversation, and Harry and Ginny entered the Hospital Wing.

"Can we see her now, Professor Dumbledore asked us to wait an hour, and it's nearly up." McGonagall nodded her head in reply and got up from the chair.

"Just remember what I said Hermione" she added quietly before leaving.

"I'm so glad to see your ok. You gave us such a fright." Ginny rambled as she took up McGonagall' s vacant chair. Harry seated himself in another chair remaining silent for a few minutes allowing Ginny to talk.

"Why'd you do Hermione?" He asked interrupting Ginny's talkative chat.

"I'm sorry?"

"I said why'd you do it? Why'd you start this, what made you decide to start starving yourself?" Hermione's face began to redden, ducking her head from Harry's stare.

"I don't really know. I'm fat, and thought that if I cut out food, I'd lose weight."

"You know how ridiculous that sounds don't you? You've put yourself through so much, and Ron, do you know how strained and stressed his been because of this?"

"That's all anyone ever says, Ron this, and Ron that, I never asked him to interfere but he did. I didn't want him to know, I didn't want anyone to know, if I'd have been left I…" Hermione was cut off by the arrival of Professor Dumbledore, followed closely by Madame Pomfrey.

"Miss Granger, I'd like to request a favour please. Would you like to go into Madame Pomfrey's room and allow her to take a picture?"

"A picture?" the puzzlement at the headmaster's request evident in her voice

"Yes a picture Miss Granger, Madame Pomfrey has the camera, and if you'd kindly assist, I would be very grateful." His voice once again filled with amusement. He turned to look at Harry and Ginny giving the small wink, before watching Hermione get out of the hospital bed, and follow Madame Pomfrey into the office. 

Hermione entered the office behind Madame Pomfrey.

"Do you know what's going on?" She shrugged in response, and indicated to her to stand in front of a stonewall. Hermione followed her instructions, and looked to her, expecting more to come.

"Right Hermione, could you lift your pyjama top slightly, so that I can see your stomach?" She received a quizzical look from the girl in question, but the request was carried out.

"Don't breathe in Hermione."

"I'm not!"

"Oh" was the only answer she received. The flash of the camera signalled the photo had been taken, but before she could lower her top, one more request was made.

"Can you turn to the side please?" Hermione did as she was told slowly, giving a curious look to the school nurse in front of her. As another flash went off, Hermione remained in her position waiting for some more instruction, however none came, and she lowered her top.

"Madame Pomfrey, was there any precise reason for these photos to be taken?"

"Professor Dumbledore will answer all your questions shortly, you may return to your bed." Hermione shot one last glance over to the school nurse before entering the hospital wing again. Professor McGonagall, had one again entered and was sitting next to Dumbledore, the two Professors were having a short discussion with their three students, as Hermione neared however, the talk was quickly wound up, before she could hear any information. As she climbed into bed, she sent a cautious glance to each person, but just as she'd made herself comfortable, Madame Pomfrey stride briskly into the room. Taking the empty seat next to McGonagall, she leaned across and handed Dumbledore a brown envelope.

"Thank you Poppy. Now Miss Granger, I'd like you to look at these four photos, and tell me which you think, is the photo of you. He carefully removed the photos from the envelope, and placed them on a table tray in front of Hermione. The reasons for the previous photos became apparent as she looked at the two bodies, each in the same pose she had just held. The figure that caught her the most was the thinnest, when turned to the side the stomach seemed concave. Each rib was defined from the skin being stretched tightly over them. This was the figure Hermione I had wanted to be. To be able to say her stomach was so flat, but Hermione knew that that would never be her.

"Have you made a decision Miss Granger?" McGonagall asked, she looked up; all eyes were focused on her face looking for a reaction to each picture.

"Yes, I'm this one." She indicated to the photo on the left, the photo of a slightly overweight person.

"I'm afraid you're…"

"Right!" Hermione finished off.

"Well no Miss Granger, you're wrong, you're the one on the left." Hermione's eyes widened, as she looked at the picture. She turned it to show her Professor.

"This one, are you sure you have the right photograph, this is me, look at her, she's so thin, and I'm, I'm so fat."

"I'm afraid Hermione, Professor McGonagall's right that's you, and it really is." Hermione shook her head in disbelief. They were lying; there were all lying again in a hope of getting her to begin to eat. She knew the game they were playing, but this time she wasn't going to allow them to win. She wouldn't let them trick her. She knew she was fat, and that the body she'd been shown was in no way hers.

"If you'd like to pass over those two photos Miss Granger, I an revel the face, a simple illus ional charm was placed on it. Hermione's eyes bore into both photos as the charm was lifted, revealing her own face looking straight back at her.

"That's, that's…"

"You, yeah it is. Do you not see how ill you look Hermione? Don't you understand why we've been so worried about you? Look at that picture, you may think its nice now, but look at the damage you've done to yourself to achieve that. Your not well Hermione, and you need help." Ron's plea struck a cord in her heart, as she flopped down onto the bed. Her mind still reeling from the information that she actually looked like that. Why hadn't she seen it in the mirror, why did she still appear and feel fat?

"Can I talk to Ron alone please?" Everyone nodded their heads, quickly leaving their seats and vacating the room. He watched them leave, turning to look back at Hermione, he felt something grip his hand, looking down; he discovered it was Hermione's.

"I just have to say two words Ron. Thanks, and Sorry." He looked at her quizzically puzzlement written over his face.

"I want to say thank you for everything you've done for me. You've been there with me through everything, and I know that must have been hard considering I tried to push you away so many times. Thank you for staying with me through it all. There were so many times you could have just left me to get on with it, leaving me to suffer on my own, but thankfully you didn't. I don't know what I would have done with myself if you had have done. I couldn't have coped without having you there by my side, knowing that you were looking out for me, and that as long as you were there I'd be all right. I'd also like to say sorry. Sorry for trying to get rid of you, for shouting at you, and for putting you through so much. I'm really sorry you had to see all of this, and that you had to keep it too yourself. I suppose what I'm trying to say is, you're a great friend Ron, and I don't know where I'd be without you." Tears had begun to slide down Hermione's face, and with his spare hand, he wiped them away with his thumb. He rested his forehead against hers.

"Hermione, I could never, and I mean never have allowed you to go through this on your own. You mean so much to me, and to see you in so much distress broke my heart. I know you Hermione, and I know you're strong enough to overcome all this. Just promise me one thing though." Hermione looked into his eyes, and nodded. "Please get better, pleases try and get better, I want my old Hermione back, I want you to go back to normal, if not for me, then for you. Will you promise me that?" Hermione nodded her head flinging her arms around his neck, both holding onto each other tightly.

"Ron?" She whispered quietly into his ear. "I want you to know one thing. I never meant to do this." Ron just nodded squeezing her more tightly.

A/n: Ok that's all. I'm thinking of writing a sequel that deals with Hermione recovering or something. I'd love your opinions on whether I should do that, because I don't really want to make this story a big long mission if you know what I mean. Any way please review; I'm always chuffed to see people's comments, especially nice ones, lets see if we can make it 120 reviews.

My Thanks to everyone who's reviewed this story especially:

T2Girl who gave me the idea for Hermione's way of finding out that bits for you.

Herbie who has reviewed every single chapter, all of whish have been words of encouragement. Thank you.

Coolchick207 I hope everything's ok with you, and your all right.

Edynadove I hope this chapter has answered some of the way Hermione will deal with it, but I like I said I'm planning a sequel.

E I know what you mean about friends like that, mine did that too me, and I still haven't fully forgiven her yet.

Keva just like you I have my own McGonagall and Ron who try to keep me grounded and I couldn't have asked for a more supportive family.

Thanks to all those who haven't been mentioned, there's a few too many. Thank you for all your encouragement, and I hope this ending was good enough for you all.


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